...Matt worries about the cancer spreading while waiting for the surgery.. I do too, but try not to think about it.. It's those 2 battling halves of myself again that initially emerged after receiving the news.. One half worries, analyzes, & replays every scenario that has happened & that possibly could happen,.. & the other half tries to reason & reassure.. I tell myself that my oncologist is the expert.. I tell myself that maybe this is how much time was needed in order to build up my blood count as he requested.. I tell myself that the timing of everything thus far has been nothing short of miraculous, so why shouldn't the surgery date be any different..
...I had a small list of things to ask when I called Lindsey at the oncologist's office today.. She had given me her personal line to call if I had any questions.. Almost 3 weeks in & this is only the 2nd time I've used it.. I think that's pretty good, all things considered.. 1)We want my blood counts from my most recent CBC 2 weeks ago for the Hospital Liason Committee.. 2)Matt wants to stay overnights in the hospital with me- is that allowed? Does the hospital room furniture allow? 3)What is the chance of the cancer spreading while waiting for surgery?.. Matt didn't want to hold off on that answer..
..."Everybody is different, Dr R will be able to tell when he gets in if it has spread, but that usually doesn't happen".. Safe answer.. They just don't know.. We can ask every day all day, but the truth is they really don't know.. Back to what Dr R said in his office at our initial visit.. All the 'ifs'.. He was optimistic, but the truth is that everything right now, even the staging, is purely assumptive.. They really have no idea until they operate & then also until the lymph nodes are tested after how far along this is..
...My lymphocytes are also off.. "Could indicate an infection, or that the immune system is not at top notch right now,.. or could be nothing, the numbers weren't that off to be concerned"... My lymphocytes were off at my initial checkup with my primary care doc 2 months ago, too... I want to take those words at face value & move on but, that's what I did with all the sequential tests that kept coming back that 'weren't that off' but that they fortunately kept 'just in case' following through with which miraculously found the cancer.. So I'm afraid to take anything at face value right now.. We've been so optimistic.. I'm almost afraid to be overly-so.. Where is the right balance?...
...Matt is able to stay overnights with me at the hospital after surgery.. And "there is a recliner in the room that is not the most comfortable, but is 'sleepable'".. The only definite answers that can be given on anything right now.. Fast-forwarding would sure be nice right now.. Waiting is hard.. Every night I fall asleep to imaginings of myself waking up in the recovery room to see Matt's face & what he will tell me.. Every night..
...Optimism is still at the forefront..But the truth is that no one knows.. The truth is everything is hopeful assumptions right now.. I of course hope they're right, but I also oddly feel at peace right now with whatever may happen.. Because nothing in this world's system is lasting.. And Jehovah always has & always will make sure that everything & everyone is ok aside of that.. But I just wish I could know what those 'happenings' will be..
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