Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Monday July 25... The Big Day....

...I know.. It has been over a month since I wrote anything.. Would you believe that I've even been working on this post for 2 weeks?.. I am 5 weeks post-op now.. And 4 weeks post-a-2nd-hospital-stay.. What can I say, it has been a time.. I had visions of what my recovery would be.. Don't get me wrong, I expected it to really stink,.. just not stink this much for this long.. I'm not 'behind' per se in recovery time.. It's just a bit different than what I expected, & my visions of at least a little mental clarity in order to continue writing about this thing called cancer surgery during my recovery time.., well lets just say that my mental clarity is still not what I'd like it to be even this much time later,.. not for reading or writing or anyway.. But my actual memories of my experiences are as clear as day.., as if it all happened yesterday...

...The surgery morning.. (insert foreboding music here- "dunh, dunh, DUNNNH").. It wasn't hard to get up that morning, I got up even before I had planned, I was already so wide awake.. We finished packing our little overnight bag that the hospital had suggested.. I obediently showered again with the Hibiclens.. We had decided to be on the road by 7:00am.. Although it should only take us 2 hours to get there & I didn't have to be there until 10:00, you just never know.. I mean, it IS Baltimore.. At 6:00, I suddenly receive a phone call.. Any answered cell phone call inside our home will quickly drop signal upon answering it, so I raced outside to answer, but had just missed it.. It was clearly a Baltimore area code.. I immediately called back, my heart racing (please don't be cancelled, please don't be cancelled, please don't be cancelled).. It was a fellow doctor on Dr. Tanner's team.. The earlier 7:30am surgery had cancelled (what?? how in the world?? poor girl, the only possible thing could be personal illness, family illness/emergency, or nerves.. I felt sorry for her.. I couldn't imagine.......... Wait, pull it together Elizabeth & focus!).. They wanted to know if I could come in any sooner.. Not required, but just an option for my surgery to be finished earlier.. My heart skipped a beat.. I explained the length of time it took to get there & our plan to leave in just an hour, which would likely put us there early anyway, but that we would definitely try to get on the road as soon as possible- of COURSE we'd like this done sooner.. Shoot, I would've left right at that very moment if it was possible, but there were still things to finish at home in preparation for our days away.. We were on the road by about 6:40.. I was glad we had planned on already giving an extra hour with our first plan.. Because now, if traffic went well, we'd be there about an hour and a half early.. And knowing they could now actually take me that early,.. well,.. in my mind we just couldn't get there fast enough..

...As we got on the road, text messages started flowing in from friends & family acknowledging the day, cheering us on, well-wishes, scriptures.. I responded to each one.. And, although, I knew that Antonio was still sleeping from fun at his friends' house the night before (as any 15 year old would be at that time of the morning), I texted him to give him an update (he was adamant about constant updates), & to tell him I love him & I wanted him to try to relax & have fun & that I would see him soon..

...Throughout every single moment of that morning, I was silently praying.. About every single possible thing I could think of.. Every tiny detail that I needed for my mental sanity to go just right.. And thanking Him that this day had arrived & was even possible..

...Before I knew it, my nerves & my finicky bladder got the better of me.. & yes I had to pee.. very suddenly.. & very badly.. at a place where there were no reasonable exits to get off on.. Of course! Where else!.. And I knew I couldn't wait.. I told Matt just to pull over on the side of the interstate, & yes I would just go on the side of the road between the front & back car doors (thank goodness for 4 door cars).. (I grew up most of my life in the country, I could care less about peeing outside).. Surprisingly, he let me.. He told me he wouldn't look.. I said, "I know", & proceeded.. with 3 lanes of I-70 traffic unknowingly whizzing by (no pun intended) as I did my business right under their noses.. (also, thank goodness for being a mom & therefore always carrying extra napkins in the glove compartment, & hand sanitizer).. After I was done & we were back on the road, I said to Matt, "I can't believe you let me do that."(He's very protective of me and my privacy & dignity).. He replied, "I can't believe you were WILLING to do that. I'm impressed".. I smiled,.. & then we both chuckled a little,.. So, why am I confessing this on a public forum?.. Because this is that thing called life.. Life is a big stressful embarrassing messy experience.. No one is immune.. And that "interstate peeing" moment will be part of what Matt & I look back on & laugh about my surgery day.. And who doesn't need a good laugh to get you through something like life,.. real life...

...Before I knew it, we were in the depths of the city.. Our GPS was confused, & I'm pulling out the more specific in-town directions that the hospital had told me, along with the map on my phone from an email from them, & Matt's stressing out, & it was like I was watching myself in a comedy sitcom scene that's funny to watch but not so funny to experience.. We knew it was close to where we had gone before- the Johns Hopkins University complex is all clumped together... but it also spans a very large area of many blocks.. But of course, before we knew it, we were suddenly there, driving underneath the Weinberg Cancer Building to it's underground parking garage.. Suddenly everything felt in slow motion.. It took forever to find a parking space, it took forever to decide on what we were taking in with us & to make sure we truly had everything we needed, it took forever to find the elevator, it took forever to walk to the elevator, it took forever for the elevator to go up to the main floor,..

...I was having cramping all morning, well actually for the whole 3 weeks prior, but especially bad that morning.. I hadn't had my period in 3 months- not unusual, the story of my life.. (but it sure makes Xray, Ct scan, & Pet scan staff freak out hehehe).. I had to pee again, (of COURSE!) so our first stop was finding a bathroom anyway,.. and yep!.. you guessed it!.. Of COURSE that's when my first period in a whole quarter of a year would start.. Yay for me.. Especially when my periods feel like I am in early active labor.. Yep, what a great morning this would be.. But I also chuckled a little to myself.. This was the last period I would ever have in this world's system.. In fact, I would be waking up in a few hours & it would be gone.. In that moment, I no longer hated it..... I also cringed.. I knew doctors operating on people have been through it all & seen it all.. But still.. I was embarrassed.. I felt like I would be 'that' person in their surgical day... *Sigh*....

...We made it up to the 3rd floor to check in.. They called my name pretty quickly after, to come into a little room with just enough room for 2 desks & a printer, to sign all of the paperwork & receive all the little booklets & information for my "family that would be waiting"-- Matt wasn't permitted in that room-- only the patient, for other patients' privacy.. The woman who was doing my paperwork & questions was older.. She never once looked me in the eye, she never once changed the tone of her monotone voice, everything was purely mechanical & detached for her.. I wondered if they'd purposely hired someone that was more like an android, & if not, if they knew she had become one.. And if she hadn't always been this way in her job, I wondered what made her become this emotionless, feelingless, detached, mechanical shell that was 2 feet, & yet 2000 miles away from each real emotional, feeling, attached, sick human being that would sit in this chair today...

...As Matt & I waited, little booklets in hand with Privacy Act information & instructions for Matt, including the name of the nurse (Raven) that was assigned to him to come update him every hour, we held hands & talked about how we couldn't believe the day was here.. I looked around.. The waiting room for this surgical floor was separated into a large amount of individual alcove 'waiting rooms'- each one had 3 full glass walls with only 1 open doorway in, with it's own seats & couches, coffee table & side tables, & TV.. Waiting families could 'claim' an alcove & have some privacy while waiting through their family member's surgery.. In addition, there were seats situated throughout a main area/hallway, which is where we sat now waiting for me to be called to go back to pre-op.. In that same main area was one large screen- every patient was designated a "patient number", which was given to their waiting family to check on the status of their surgery as it updated on that large screen beside their number- pre-op, surgery started, surgery ended, recovery, etc.. I felt a sense of calm, yet my heart pounded at an impossibly fast rate.. I was silently praying almost constantly,.. I don't remember exactly what I said, I don't even know if I knew at that very moment what I was saying, but I needed a constant connection with my God, & I knew he knew what I was trying to say, even if I didn't...

...I was glad Matt wasn't going to be waiting alone.. 3 family members were on the way to wait with him.. The worst part is the wait during a loved-one's surgery- I'd experienced that almost 6 years prior, for Matt's surgery after his accident, & family waiting with me was a needed comfort & support.. Even though he didn't feel like he needed that, I knew that he did..

...Matt & I didn't have much time to talk or process anything before my name was called.. I didn't expect it to be so quick.. The staff member explained to Matt that I would be ready for him to come back & see me in about 45 minutes, right before they took me back for surgery.. 45 minutes?? What in the world about the pre-op prepping will take that long??.. I was about to find out...

...The girl in the scrubs leading me back to the pre-op area spoke so timidly, I couldn't really understand what she was saying.. Yet my nervous auto-pilot was on & I automatically just said, "Ok, thank you," to just about everything that she said.. Although I'm not even sure if I myself was audible either.. Doors opened & I was suddenly in a hallway with countless medical staff walking quickly everywhere they went, with the long white curtains to each pre-op 'room' billowing in their wake.. I felt like I need to prepare to dodge out of their way, but they were clearly used to working around that many people & shifted quickly into varying positions as they moved around each other, & me.. Yet, I realized quickly that this was not chaos.. And they were not frazzled.. They were energized!.. Every single one of them seemed to an exude an excitement,.. an excitement so intense, I could feel it as each one of them passed me, some of them smiling as they did so.. The 'scrub girl' showed me a curtained 'room' with things laid out on a bed, said my nurse would be with me shortly & promptly disappeared.. I looked at the things on the bed- a surgical bonnet, hospital gown, hospital grippy-socks, 2 clothing bags for my shoes & clothes- & I thought, 'Wow, someone got all of this laid out literally just for me.'.. I sat on the bed & waited for my nurse, feeling like I was watching a hospital reality show buzzing with surgical conversations, rushing, joking, laughter, discussions about patients & schedules, realizing that there were basically probably twice as much staff in here as in other hospitals because, as a major university hospital, there was not only regular staff, but also medical students.. Suddenly, I could spot which was which from their age & conversation, who was teaching & who was being taught, & watched with deepening interest...

...Suddenly my nurse appeared in a flourish.. a middle-aged woman with a heavy Hispanic accent..Her name was Elizabeth too, we giggled at that.. She closed off my 'curtain room' with a few quick motions & suddenly everything was happening very quickly, & I was struggling to understand & process how quickly she was talking & giving instructions.. Sure enough, my period was no big deal. She quickly gave me their 'surgically acceptable' things for it & moved right along without missing a beat.. I quickly got undressed & changed into my hospital gown, bonnet, & grippy-socks with the few moments she gave me alone before she was back in another flourish.. She rattled off endless questions as she typed on a computer & gave me papers.. My white curtains on all sides were in a constant billowing state as other staff rushed by.. Every now & then someone would peek in, see that I was with my nurse, & say to someone, "She's not ready yet."...

...After my nurse was finished with most of the questions, one by one, doctors & nurses constantly filtered in & introduced themselves as part of my 'team'.. One of them was kind enough to tell me that I would be meeting alot of people that day, many doctors & medical students that were assigned to me.. I couldn't believe they were all part of 'my team'.. They were all there for ME?.. They were all SO incredibly kind & genuine, I wish I could remember all of their names.. They each explained their role in the surgery & each assured me that they would take really good care of me.. As each one was in with me, I'd see another one peek through the curtains, patiently waiting their turn.. In between each of them, my nurse would come back with a flourish of a few more questions & a few more computer key strokes, at some point giving me 2 pills to take with the smallest sip of water that would help me 'need less narcotics after the surgery' (I still don't know what those were) & then would disappear as the next doctor came in & introduced themselves.. A busy yet fine-tuned graceful ballet where everyone knew the timing of their roles like clock-work.. I was fascinated, & overwhelmed.. Every now & then, I would get a few brief moments & I would pray silently,.. even if only for a few seconds,.. even if it was when they were speaking,.. even if it was when I was speaking in return, answering their questions... I prayed for each of their names & roles before I would forget,.. I prayed for all of the things that I was afraid of with the surgery as they popped into my mind, & I prayed not to think of those things anymore..

...Nurse Elizabeth came to take my blood pressure- it was the highest I'd ever seen it, so high I wondered if there was something wrong with the equipment.. Even she was taken aback a little.. A man who apparently was listening on the other side of the curtain, poked his head in, smiled & said, "That's ok, anesthesia takes care of that", before his head disappeared again.. We chuckled.. Nurse Elizabeth decided to take it again, I breathed slow deep breaths & tried to think of peaceful things, & sure enough it was better.. She said, "Ok good, that's the number we'll put in, I didn't want to put that other number in,".. As soon as she left again, the head reappeared, this time with a body attached.. He introduced himself as my anesthesiologist, Dr. Frank.. At the same time, someone else came in to start my IV.. They both were suddenly talking to me & I was struggling with who I should be trying to listen to.. The IV guy was a friendly chatterbox full of jokes & comedy, while Dr. Frank tried to kindly but firmly hold my attention by trying to identify common interests before he gradually tied everything back into the medical questions & instructions he had for me.. I realized quickly that they were both trying to do the same thing- be personable & make me feel comfortable with them as they proceeded with their jobs.. And I was grateful for these kind people who really cared, not only about their job, but about each patient as a real person.. The IV guy soon let Dr. Frank take over..

...Dr. Frank told me that he had been chosen specifically for me, because of his specialty in bloodless surgery.. He has been to all 3 parts of the US Bethel branches, & is the Johns Hopkins representative that goes annually to the headquarters to discuss the latest bloodless techniques & the hospital's most challenging cases.. I felt special that he was chosen specifically for me.. He went through a list of his own medical questions.. Who knew how many seemingly-unrelated things could affect anesthesia.. He particularly zoned in on my hiatal hernia, pre-ulcer stomach conditions, & daily acid reflux.. We then discussed in detail my bloodless alternative preferences.. I finally asked him what had been keeping me lying awake at night for weeks.. "No chance of me waking up during the surgery?".. It might sound ridiculous, but years & years ago I watched a documentary show about how this happens, with real interviews.. Pair that with my inherited resistance to anesthesia & pain medication that goes through one entire side of my family, including my own personal experiences with waking up struggling against my endoscopy years ago, & finding out after that, along with my colonoscopy & wisdom teeth surgery, that each time they had to give me more sedation than average (specifically 3 times more than average, & 1 1/2 times more than even a very large man, per my GI doc), & I think I have very good reason for finding it hard to talk myself out of worrying about this possibility.. I thought I would be laughed at.. But Dr. Frank asked very specific questions about my experiences before & seemed to take my concerns seriously.. At least, if he was amused, he was good at hiding it.. In fact, he acknowledged that this does happen & that the experiences related reveal 'that it's not very pleasant'..... Um, I could have done without that much acknowledgment.. In fact, at that point I'd almost rather he had laughed it off as ridiculous instead of validating that it legitimately happens & has personally heard experiences, yikes.. I tried hard to reroute my mind.. But I did feel better that we had at least discussed it & he was aware of my sedation/medication resistance history.. And you bet that I specifically prayed for Dr. Frank in keeping me fully asleep.. And I prayed not to worry about it anymore..

...Dr. Frank told me he would be back, & as soon as he left, 2 young men came in that introduced themselves as anesthesiologists that would be working with Dr. Frank.. One of them was named Matt,.. that's one way to help me remember a name!.. I wish I could remember the other one's name.. They absolutely stick out in my mind as the kindest & most perfectly personable of all the medical staff I met that day. And as everyone was so truly amazingly nice, that should say a whole lot that these 2 stood out.. They explained to me that all 3 of them were there specifically for the anesthesiology & to watch me & make sure that I would indeed NOT wake up & that everything would go smoothly with my health throughout the surgery.. They explained to me in detail what I could expect as I was taken to the operating room- there would be a flurry of people around me doing different things & I didn't need to be alarmed because all of those people were there just for me to make sure I was taken care of, they would give me a dose of something in my IV to help calm & sedate me before ever starting the anesthesia, & they would be right there watching me making sure personally that everything would be ok.. They did more than tell me their role & that they would take care of me.. They explained in detail what I would see & hear.. For anyone that knows my mind, I have the hardest time when I don't know what to expect, when I don't have a plan, when I don't know the details.. How they approached me meant e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g...

...While they were still in there, Matt was brought to me.. I introduced them, & they gave him a chance to ask questions & for a moment we all talked & light-heartedly laughed about the 'good drugs' they would give me to make me feel good.. When they left, Matt & I had a very brief moment to be alone.. I told him that I wished it could be fast-forwarded for him the way it would be for me once I was under anesthesia..



...Suddenly, Dr Frank was back.. He met Matt & wanted to make sure that I had signed all the bloodless requirement forms, & gave me one more to sign.. Then another doctor arrived with the results of my Pet scan from the week before.. There was an additional mass that they found on one of my ovaries, likely benign, but large enough that it would be a problem from size alone & needed to come out.. So I also needed to sign off on that.. Then Brother P arrived just briefly enough to say hi.. He & Dr Frank knew each other well, they'd worked together for a long time & Dr Frank said they'd gone to the Kingdom Hall together, specifying he had been 5 times but that he wasn't studying the Bible 'or converted yet', & we all talked briefly about Bethel.. Suddenly the curtains were opened by more people & Dr. Frank said, "I think it's time to kiss & say goodbye".. Everyone laughed as he comically said, "Not us. You & hubby! Not us!".. I chuckled, but I was shaken.. Matt had only been there for a few minutes, & everything had happened so fast, I had thought we'd have more time to talk, to reassure, to pray.. We kissed, he rubbed my head & arm, & we said we loved each other & that we would see each other soon as they wheeled me away.. It was Dr. Frank & the other 2 young kindest-anesthesiologists-ever.. They talked to me & kindly reminded me not to be alarmed when all the people started rushing around me in the operating room & that they would be right there.. As each set of hallway doors opened to us, it was more & more surreal.. As we approached the operating room, it was decided I would walk from the doorway in.. Dr. Frank said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure the back of your gown is closed".. He held the back of my gown &, as I walked in, everything became as if in slow motion as I scanned the room.. I wanted to see everything.. I saw the robot, I saw machinery, everything was bright, white & blue, I saw the medical staff rushing around in slow motion in their scrubs, hats, & masks.. I got on the operating table as instructed & moved around as they asked me to so that I was centered.. Some reassured me & others worked quickly around me getting things ready.. I was grateful for the clear picture that the young kindest-anesthesiologists-ever had given me, & although my heart beat fast, I felt prepared & was glad that the wait was over.. I suddenly felt that they had given me something through my IV, although I didn't see them do it.. I heard one of them say from behind me, "How are you feeling, Elizabeth?".. I answered, "Ok".. I felt simply as if I'd had maybe 2 shots of liquor.. It reminded me of my endoscopy when they gave me the first dose that should have put me all the way out & they couldn't believe that I was still awake.. My last thoughts were partly praying & partly chuckling to myself that this first dose this time too was probably supposed to put me out & they were probably thinking to themselves "Wow, she wasn't kidding when she says she's resistant & when she said what the GI doc told her", & that they were probably just about to give me another dose............

...Suddenly, I was aware of my bed moving & someone yelling at me, "Elizabeth wake up, you made it to recovery!!"...