...Stage 1B.. A later Stage 1, but not yet Stage 2.. Radical hysterectomy (3x more taken out than even with a complete hysterectomy), along with a large extra margin of tissue & lymph node removal.. The lymph nodes will be sent away for testing.. When the doctor drew the border around what would be removed, it looked like they were taking a chunk the size of a big box out of me.. But yet all I can feel is pure relief.. Is that weird?..
...Inside I was a basketcase all day & the previous night.. What if something happens to the car on the way to the appointment & we miss it?.. What if there is terrible traffic & we miss it?.. What if there is a terribly long wait? I don't think I can handle that.. What if we don't find out anything at all, what if he just needs to run more tests & then we have to wait for those?.. I don't think I can handle that either.. We are supposed to tell Antonio today, what if we don't have anything further to tell him because we have to wait for additional tests?.. What if the doctor had a bad day & is rushed & misses something important?.. What if surgery is required & he is unwilling to honor my wishes regarding no blood transfusions?.. What if, what if, what if, what if..... While waiting, a left the Bible tract about the future on a table.. I'm sure every single person that comes in here is wondering every moment about their future...
...Everything went more smoothly than I even could have imagined.. Every prayer was answered, even for the small things that were more about my mental sanity than of any real importance.. My prayers for the car making it there safely, for us not to run late, for traffic to be easy, for there not to be a long wait, for any tests that needed to be done to be able to be done the same day & for them to be as least intrusive & painful as possible.. my prayers for us to be given a Stage for it today & a plan, for the doctor to be nice, for him to be patient & unhurried.. my prayers for every necessary question to be thought of, & nothing missed.. my prayers for his reaction to the blood transfusion issue.. and that he would be able to 'read' him & know that his reaction on that issue, if a positive one, was indeed real & could be relied on.. and, even if he said he was overall fine with it, for my courage to specify, 'I need to hear that, even if something unexpected & drastic happens, you will stick to that & not under any circumstances give me blood'..
...The air was lighter on the way home.. I'm holding booklets & instructions on my surgery.. We talked about how we would tell Antonio, & then who we would tell next.. We talked about what we would do for dinner that night.. and then Antonio texted that he was making a delicious dinner of bacon, eggs, & toast.. My darling sweet Antonio, how did I get such a great kid, what would I ever do without him..
...I tried to present the news to him straightforwardly, yet positively.. He was frying bacon.. I tried to just make it brief.. I feel like lingering on a subject creates more worry.. Please, I just don't want my darling Antonio to worry.. He has had more stress & anxiety in his life than any person should ever have at his age.. He took it well.. As I'd suspected, he already had an inkling.. He's a smart & insightful 15-year-old, not much gets past him..
...Matt called his family, while I called my mom.. I tried to tell her the same way I told Antonio.. I needed to have a drink first.. I kept putting myself in her place, imagining how I would feel if Antonio told me something like that.. No matter how lightly & positively he tried to put it, inside I would be dying.. My mom has had more worry & stress than any person should ever have, too.. And in my past, I added tremendously to it.. Please let me not add more.. I just needed a drink first... As expected, she took it well.. She has always been good at being the stoic type whatever the news.. Like many things, I don't think I'll ever really know what she was thinking..
...Dinner was delicious.. We watched funny shows on Netflix.. We joked & laughed.. Things felt light.. It was a good night..
...Relief.. I'm having a huge chunk of myself removed in a few weeks, & all I can feel is relief.. I guess it's not weird- Matt said that he was so relieved to hear that news, & the news that then the prognosis was so good that tears almost fell several times.. My sweet man, what would I do without him by my side..
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