...I want everything to fast-forward a little.. I want this appointment to be over with.. I want the answers it will bring.. Likely not all the answers, but at least more answers.. Can we please fast-forward to tonight?.. when the appointment is over.. when Antonio has been told already.. We've already agreed we are telling him today.. But how are we going to tell him?.. And what are we going to tell him?..
...Despite taking something to help me sleep last night, I couldn't fall asleep for hours.. What if there are additional painful invasive tests? (Please let the further tests be painless imaging tests only).. What if something happens with traffic or to the car on the way there & we miss the appointment & have to wait even longer?.. What if the oncologist hasn't looked at my information when we get there? What if he is having a bad day & is distracted & misses something? What if we forget to ask him an important question?.. If surgery is the answer, I'm fine with that, in fact I prefer it to long procedures & treatments that prolong everything.. If so, what if he isn't willing to operate without blood? Who do we turn to next?.. Matt & I each did our own separate additional research last night & compared notes, & are feeling pretty optimistic that it is early & curable..... What if we're wrong?.. I know that Jehovah will take care of all of that as it comes, but I just need to prepare myself.. I would rather prepare myself with all possibilities than to be caught off guard & surprised.. I hate being surprised.. As I poured my heart out to Jehovah in a long prayer, I felt immediate peace & calm.. Sometimes one needs to pray several times for that peace & calm to edge it's way in.. But not last night.. I felt it immediately, & felt that it was Jehovah's reminder that He was indeed there & wasn't going make me or us work these things out on our own.. I felt His extra reassurance.. I thanked him for the timing of everything,.. that I got a checkup when I did,.. that they did additional tests when they did just because I was a new patient, when I wasn't due for them yet.. that called me in for additional tests when they did, even though things were not generally 'off' enough to warrant additional tests just yet.. that when they called me in for more tests the week before the convention & I prayed to him about whether or not to accept an appointment before or after the convention, that He led me to choose an appointment after it,.. If I had accepted an appointment before, we would have been receiving the urgent call to come back for the results during the convention itself.. I thanked him that they called so quickly after receiving the results & that they scheduled me so quickly with a specialized oncologist (they had said the next available appointment after that one wasn't for several weeks later).. I feel Jehovah's hand in every aspect of it & I thanked him for that.. And for the unexplainable calm & peace I felt at that moment.. for the peace 'that surpasses all understanding' (Phillipians 4:7) that only He can provide..
...Matt encouraged me to try to sleep in this morning.. I needed it.. It turned out that his work scheduled for today didn't work out, so he was outside working on the car when I got up.. I went out in my robe to water my plants & to give him a good morning hug.. He gives the best hugs.. I was going to go back in to shower & start the day, but he was hoping we could talk.. He told me he wanted to make sure I wasn't holding anything back, but that he knew that I was.. I told him that I knew he was too.. We sat on the bumper of his trunk, in the cool morning air, facing the green of the trees and the honeysuckle & blackberry bushes, & had another talk like Saturday morning's.. We talked about our feelings with the appointment in a few hours, & about telling Antonio.. about the possibility of surgery or other different treatments.. We both still feel pretty optimistic I felt Jehovah's presence even in our conversation, & quietly thanked Him for that.. When we had talked for a while, & I was leaving to come back in to take a shower, as I was walking away, he said, "Thank you for talking."..... I hadn't realized that it meant that much to him that I talk about it.. I turned around & came back to put my arms around him.. Oh how I thank Jehovah for this man.. What would I do without Jehovah in my life?.. What would I do if I'd never met Matt & was going through this on my own with Antonio?.. What if I was married to someone who didn't know Jehovah, who was not a spiritual man?.. Thank you, Jehovah, so much.. I don't deserve all of Your amazing generous gifts..
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