...I slept so hard last night.. It is rare I sleep so well.. Yet today I feel so painfully exhausted, it's beyond all description..
...Our first congregation meeting since finding out.. Why does it feel so odd?.. Why do I find myself wanting to avoid it?.. No one knows except 2 elders.. They've agreed to keep it just between the 2 of them until we've told Antonio.. So it's not like anything will be different or will be said.. But the thing is, everything IS different.. It's just that no one else knows it's different..
...Everyone has things they keep private.. Things about their past, about their life, about their thoughts.. And these things are not really burdensome to carry.. Because they're just basic things that simply everyone doesn't need to know,.. things that only Jehovah & those closest to you know.. But this isn't that.. This is a heavy dark cloud.. A cloud so heavy I feel as if I might buckle..
...There are those 2 conflicting sides of me again.. I don't want the burden of telling people, but I want the support & prayers.. I don't want to pretend as if everything is fine, as if nothing has changed.. I'm a terrible pretender.. It feels like lying.. But at the same time, I want everything to continue on as if nothing has changed- there is a comfort in routine.. I don't want anyone treating me different, but I want words of encouragement,.. words of encouragement that aren't from a family member, because then I know they aren't adding to a burden of worry that a family member will carry..
...Thoughts that continue to weigh on me constantly-- how will we tell family.. especially my sweet Antonio.. I pray constantly that it is done in the best possible way, a way that most minimizes worry for them.. especially my darling sweet Antonio.. He has to already know something is going on, with all of these 'tests' I keep going to have done.. He's a smart & intuitive 15-year-old.. Please, Jehovah don't let him worry.. If I don't seem worried, maybe he won't be worried..
...A Bible study I didn't expect to see today came in late with her son & sat with us.. Her son drew pictures of what he was hearing from the stage.. pictures of angels fighting evil.. pictures of Jehovah receiving an envelope in heaven, because "when we pray it's like we're sending Him a message".. pictures of a person praying inside their house, while Jehovah & his angels watch over them & protect them.. Matt miraculously didn't have any assignments today & so had the rare opportunity to sit by me.. Antonio was assigned to the sound booth.. Our Watchtower study was about why we need our meetings so much- we show Jehovah where we stand, we encourage our brothers & sisters, & we gain encouragement, support, & holy spirit for strength.. I thanked Jehovah for a meeting that couldn't be more perfect,.. for the gift of the encouragement of my study & her son's presence & his amazing pictures,.. for the gift of an amazing son that is used by the congregation, & that is happy to be.. for the rare occurrence on this day of any days that my husband was free to sit with me to put his arm around me, to hold my hand, to lean my head on his chest during the songs & prayers as he drew me close to him..
...When the elder that Matt told greeted us & gave me a casual hug, I smiled but couldn't even look him in the eye.. As much as I yearn for words of encouragement, I can't bear right now the thought of even a possible look of sympathy..
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