What's funny is..

...What's funny is that I had started bookmarking & saving different 'cancer cure story' articles weeks ago,.. without even knowing why.. It's not something I ever did before..

...What's funny is that when I was feeling nervous before my last set of tests last Wednesday in the waiting room & decided to do some Bible reading, the last verse I read before they called my name was Psalm 41:3- "Jehovah will sustain him on his sickbed.."..

...We decided last minute to sleep in this morning.. I'd barely slept during the night.. But despite trying, & despite Matt so sweetly encouraging me to, I couldn't sleep in.. I told him I wanted to go to the garden.. I wanted to work on some weeding before the day got hot.. Despite the fact that I hate the never-ending tedious task of weeding, I find a calm in it.. It is my 'thinking place'.. Amid the cool morning breeze, & the pretty little garden spider webs sparkling with dew.. Amid my pretty green plants that have always produced some new exciting change overnight, new fresh sustaining life, reapings from something we put so much hard work & sweat into.. Amid the orchestra of morning bird songs.. They always seem to sing especially cheerily & plentifully in the morning.. That's where I need to be.. I need to be in my 'thinking place', my therapeutic place.. But I didn't tell him that was why.. But I'm pretty sure he knew..

...I keep praying that I'm unselfish with this,.. that I don't get absorbed in my overwhelming & confusing feelings with this.. I don't want to burden Matt with my worries on top of his with all of this.. Maybe if I don't seem worried, he won't be as worried..

...I can't get rid of the guilt.. That some choice I've made in the past, some lifestyle or diet carelessness & selfishness has brought this on us.. And now innocent Matt & Antonio have been dragged into reaping the consequences with me.. Not as a punishment of any sort, but simply a reaping of what I've sown.. It's human nature to look for someone to blame.. I'm pretty sure that someone is me.. I still have those same 2 separate parts of me arguing with each other that have been there from the very first moment we found out (was it really only yesterday?).. One side argues there's no point in thinking that way, that it won't change anything.. The other side argues that I just need to know.. Did I do this to myself?.. Did I do this to us?..

...Matt decided to go to the garden with me.. I knew he didn't want to.. He hates weeding even more than me.. He does the difficult tilling & heavy maintenance work of the garden, & Antonio & I do the seeding, planting, weeding & minor maintenance.. That's our thing, that's what works.. And he has endless vehicle & house maintenance that he always tries to get to in the 'spare time' that surfaces so rarely, things that are much too complicated for me to be able to really be of any help with, it seemed silly & unfair for him to waste such valuable time doing something as simple as weeding.. I told him he didn't need to, truly, I knew there were other things he wanted to get done.. He said, "I just want to be with you"..

...As we each sat on our little seats in our separate garden rows, carefully plucking away,.. we started talking.. about the 'C' word..  I'm not sure how it started.. But I thank Jehovah for that conversation.. We each spoke freely.. There was a feeling of peace, closeness, safety, intimacy.. As it went on, we were able to say the whole word without flinching or pausing or lowering our voice.. We shared feelings, fears, even the private ones.. although I know we both still hold some things back.. I constantly think about if roles were reversed, how I would feel in his position.. And I don't want to add to the burden of worry that I know that he has by making him feel like he needs to comfort or reassure me.. Because I know he needs comfort & reassurance too.. It would be unfair..

...The funny thing is, the rest of the day felt almost normal,.. almost too normal.. I relished that feeling.. and was also puzzled by it.. It felt so normal, it was odd.. True to my nature, I couldn't fully enjoy it because I had to pick it apart & analyze it.. What is wrong with my broken emotions?.. My mind exhausts me....