Sleeplessness, randomness, emptiness...

...Another night of little sleep.. The pretty typical 3-4 choppy hours that have been the story of my life since childhood.. Was hoping for more, which every now & then does actually miraculously happen.. But at least it wasn't less, which happens frequently.. Even though every single night I pray to be able to fall asleep quickly & to have a good night's sleep, I figure if I really & truly couldn't bear the day without it, it would happen.. So, in my daily morning prayer, when praying for "power beyond what is normal" to kick my exhausted sleep-deprived butt in gear, I follow it with thanks that I at least got as much sleep as I did, because it could be, & has been, less.. & I know if He didn't grant me my request for more sleep that night, He'll help me survive the day without it & I'll be just fine.. He's helped me so much. It's more than ok that He not answer my every request, He's not my servant.... It irritates me to no end when a person has that level of expectation & is upset when their every whim isn't catered to by the heavenly forces that be.. But that's another subject...

...Even though I don't typically have an appetite in the morning, I had planned on getting up by 7:15 to eat, since 7:30 is the nothing-but-water cutoff before the Pet scan appointment check-in at 12:45 today, & I wouldn't be free from that to eat again until 3:00 at the earliest.. Then, after my forced 7:15 breakfast, I was going to actually let myself indulge in another few hours of sleep.. That's right, I was going to let myself *insert inspirational music here* SLEEP LATE.. Great plan.. Didn't happen.. At 7:15, I'd already been awake for a while.. I had a green smoothie & some almonds & tried to lay back down.. Sleep was still avoiding me, pretty much running away from me as far away as it could.. So here I am writing to you, Mr. Blog..

...My mind has a new obsession.. Matt reminded me last night that at that time next week, the surgery will be over & I'll be loopy from some good drugs & wearing-off anesthesia.. So then, now at THIS time next week, what will be happening?.. I will have spent the night in the hospital.. How will that go?.. Will Matt have been able to stay the night with me as he hoped to?.. We were told it would depend on what type of room they will have me recover in.. Something to pray for.. I know he'll end up choosing to stay in the hospital whether they let him stay in my room or not, & I don't want him to be in some uncomfortable chair in some waiting room somewhere.. The guy deserves more than that... And I want him there...

...Will I feel empty?.. Cervix, uterus, parametria, ligaments, upper vagina, fallopian tubes, lymph nodes to be removed.. Sentinel lymph node mapping & ovarian transposition to be performed.. That's a lot of my insides coming out & being maneuvered & moved around.. Will I feel empty after?.. Will the parts of me that remain be confused over the ones that are gone or moved?.. I still do not mind losing them-- there's nothing we can lose in this world that won't be given back in the future Paradise.. But.. will I feel a sort of physical emptiness inside until then?... Will my body comprehend what is missing?...

...My mind exhausts me..