Tuesday July 26... Recovery begins.. Or so we thought..

...Between 7:00-8:00am each morning, the doctor crew makes their morning rounds.. The nurse had warned me ahead of time- probably 7-8 of them would come in & discuss my case & examine me.. And that they did.. But only 1-2 of them took the lead, ones that had actually been in the operating room with me, the others were observers.. They were all very kind, personable, & light-hearted, & very mindful of my 'dignity'.. It was easy to feel comfortable around them, despite having to pull up my hospital gown...

...Shift change for the nurses also occurred between 7:00-7:30.. So we met my new nurse, Nurse Liz, & she quickly became our favorite.. She was kind, understanding, funny, the kind of person you feel like you've known for a long time.. She never questioned when I asked for pain meds.. She took the initiative to bring Matt food, drinks, & coffee even without him asking for him, & anything else that we did ask for.. She explained the hospital food process to us.. Instead of having meals delivered at a set time every day, they actually had a menu that you call & order from any time between 7am-6:30pm & order anything you want.. There was even a guest menu for Matt, so that he literally never had to leave the room even to eat.. Added bonus-- the food was tasty!...

...A fresh hospital gown, towels & washcloths, & toiletries were brought in for me to bathe.. Matt helped me sponge bathe & dress.. At one point during my bath, Nurse Liz just came on in my room & swept back my privacy curtain-- automatically I quickly covered & said, "Um, I'm bathing".. Without batting an eye, or even looking at me, she said, "Oh that's ok, I don't mind!" & continued what she was doing at my room's medical computer.. At first, I didn't know what to do, but quickly realized how silly it was to feel bashful around a nurse, much less a female nurse, much less Nurse Liz! who I felt so comfortable around.. I felt sheepish, & resumed bathing..

...I was encouraged to walk the hallway.. As I barely shuffled along wheeling my IV in one hand, & holding my catheter bag in my other hand with Matt by my side, I began to chuckle.. I turned to Matt, saying, "I never thought I'd be that person that shuffles down the hallway holding their pee bag"...

...The rest of the day is a blur of pain meds, ordering lunch, & resting.. A doctor came in sometime in the afternoon to see how things were going & see if I felt up to going home- the only requirements for medical release were being able to hold down food & walk a little.. She said I certainly didn't have to go home if I didn't feel up to it,.. but I didn't see any reason why not.. She checked everything, answered our questions, chose the 5 meds to send to the pharmacy, & gave discharge instructions & my long list of physical restrictions.. Over the course of the next few hours, Nurse Liz taught us how to manage my catheter, bringing me a leg strap for the tube, & how to manage it under clothes, how to empty the bag & record the amounts.. She & Matt both helped me get dressed.. She showed us how to use a safety pin to hang the urine bag inside my loose yoga pants-- it hung down at my calf & with the long tubing peeking out at the bottom of my pants, along with the sheer bulkiness of it, it was clear it was in there but I didn't care-- my modesty was long thrown out the window.. She asked me what shoes I brought- I told her sneakers- I mean, they seemed the obvious easy comfortable post-op shoes, right?.. She frowned & said, "No flip flops or anything?".. I hadn't realized that fluid swelling was an issue for a while.. With no other shoe options, she said I should simply wear the hospital grippy socks  but that she would bring me a fresh pair to put on literally right before I got in the car so as not to bring home hospital 'contamination'.. She brought me fresh pain meds to go ahead & take in anticipation of the road trip..

...We'd opted not to go home with the typical daily Lovenox blood thinner injections- it was a calculated risk that Dr Tanner felt was probably best due to my choice limitations if a bleed were to occur, but he was on the fence about it & ultimately left it up to us- we opted against it.. What it came down to was that, while a blood clot would be devastating, the risk was relatively low of having one.. but if something happened & a bleed occurred, which was more likely than a blood clot in my surgery's case, it would most likely be fatal if I wouldn't accept a blood transfusion... So it simply made sense to us to decline-- extra walking it would be, as well as flexing my feet & ankles back & forth at least every 30-60 minutes.. Neither Nurse Liz nor the discharge doctor questioned our decision, but Nurse Liz reiterated the magnitude of the importance of the walking & flexing, stating, "Soreness won't kill ya, but a blood clot sure can!"...

...By the time the discharge was official & Matt had gone down to the pharmacy to get my meds, it was around 4:30pm that my wheelchair arrived.. Nurse Liz gave me a hug, & asked if we would come by & see her after my first pre-op visit the following week-- she "wanted to see me without that urine bag"... I'd only known her for a day & I was already going to miss her!.. Matt carried our overnight bags, discharge folder, & meds while the super quiet tech wheeled me to the elevators.. A few other people entered the elevator off of lower floors as we went down.. One middle-aged lady kept looking at me, I could see her from the side.. I glanced briefly up at her & saw she had a tender sympathetic smile.. Seeing me glance at her, she quickly looked away, but when I also turned back, she clearly turned her head back to look again.. I didn't know how to feel- I knew she meant no harm, but I had no idea what she was thinking & the staring embarrassed me...

...Since Matt was parked close to the parking garage elevators, w/ the parking garage being underground straight below the hospital, instead of him driving around to the hospital front doors to pick me up, the tech just went down the few extra floors to the garage.. At the car door, we changed my grippy socks & threw the others away, as Nurse Liz said to.. And before I knew it, we were heading home & I was holding my stomach to brace it, & flinching with pain at every single little bump & turn.. Matt tried his best to be careful & slow, & sweetly apologized over every single bump or break-- probably at least a hundred times on the way home, the sweet man.. But nothing makes you feel how much bumping around typically goes on in a car on the road like your belly feeling like any shaking will burst your whole torso open, spilling your guts out all over the place.. It was a terribly long 2+ hour ride home...

...At home, Matt ever so sweetly helped me out of the car & slowly make my way to the front deck steps-- he & Antonio had built handrails on it just a few weeks ago, just for this purpose-- I truly have the best boys in the world.. Those handrails were lifesavers-- I could lean heavily on both rails on both sides going up, with Matt's hand gently behind me on my back.. He helped me into the front door & get settled comfortably on the sofa, with my meds lined up, along with my post-op breathing apparatus, water bottle, crackers, & chocolate on a TV tray right beside me.. We figured out the best positioning of the catheter tubing & urine bag-- so awkward, but at least it wasn't physically uncomfortable.. Antonio was going to stay one more night at his friends' house.. So, I talked to him briefly on the phone before we settled in for the night- it had only been 2 days, but with all that had taken place it felt like so much longer.. He's a sweet boy.. I could hear the tender concern & love in his voice.. Matt had kept him updated throughout.. I was glad he was having a nice time-- good friends are more valuable than all the physical treasures in the world.. I also really looked forward to seeing him..

...Matt was taking the next day off of work to be with me, so we took our time in going to bed.. The rest of the night is a blur of Oxycodone, choppy sleep, strange dreams, & pain.. But at least we were home.. At least now focus could be on recovery.. It was only up from here right?.. So we thought...

The Aftermath Begins...

..."Elizabeth, wake up!! You've made it to recovery!"...

...My first thoughts were that 1) I was sooo thankful I didn't wake up in the middle, & that 2) I wasn't aware when they pulled out my breathing tube... I felt what seemed like a million hands on me from head to toe.. Unplugging things, plugging more things in, unhooking things, hooking more things up, situating my blanket, hooking me up to the heart moniter, removing my bonnet & smoothing my hair, putting oxygen on my nose & wrapping it behind my ears.. All I could think about was how badly my right arm hurt.. And it occurred to me how odd it was that I just had abdominal surgery & what hurt me the worst at this moment was my arm.. I heard myself feebly asking over & over, "Why does my arm hurt so bad? Why does my arm hurt so bad?".. My eyelids were heavy & the lights felt so bright.. I opened my eyes & look to the left and asked again.. The man was hooking different things up on me & didn't seem to hear me.. I looked to the right & asked again.. A sweet blond nurse bent down to listen.. She looked angelic with the bright white hospital lights creating a glow around her surgical-hat covered head.. With so much kindness in her voice, she said that it was probably from my blood pressure cuff being on it for so long & that they would switch arms for me.. (I found out later from Matt that they'd also had to raise that arm up out of the way during surgery for the robot to access the work on that side-- that arm hurt for weeks & developed a terrible bruise near my armpit).. As she moved the pressure cuff & adjusted the oxygen tube in my nose & around my ears, I recall softly saying about the oxygen, "Wow that burns," as I closed my eyes again...

...It seemed like I woke up thousands of times, but never knew how much time had passed.. Each time, I forgot where I was until I opened my eyes for the 58,679th time to see.. A blur of pain, asking for more pain medication, noises, & visuals of billowing white curtains & a nurse sitting at the front left of my bed with a computer.. Finally, I felt as if certainly a long enough time had passed for them to have called Matt (they had told us he could come back about 1 hour after entering recovery) & I asked where he was.. She asked if I wanted her to get him & I said yes.. (I found out later from Matt, that it had only been about 40 minutes since he was notified that I was in recovery, but they let him come anyway).. I had fallen asleep again, when suddenly he was there coming through a curtain.. I remember being so happy to see him but don't remember anything other than the feeling.. (He told me later that I had smiled & said, "Hi baby")...

...A continued blur of waking up confused by strange dreams, Matt holding my hand with his kind smile, the beeps of my heart & oxygen monitors, & my own incessant talking- I don't remember what I was talking about, but I was proud of myself for how 'alert' I was.. (Heheh, yeah sure I was 'alert').. I remember Matt so many times gently encouraging me to try to sleep.. (He told me later that what I kept talking about was how loud everything was & wondering why it had to be so loud- the guy snoring in the recovery curtain room next to mine, nurses talking loudly as they passed by, I'd even wondered out loud what they were talking about).. I vaguely remember different doctors from the team coming in to check on me & talk to Matt.. I remember them saying that my lymph nodes & the ovary from which they removed the 2nd tumor (the non-malignant one) didn't look swollen or irritated so that that was a good sign.. I vaguely remember Dr. Tanner coming in to check on us as well.. The surgery had taken longer than the anticipated 4 hours, mostly because of the extra tumor they had to remove.. At the time, I felt like I could remember everything, but as the days & weeks went on, I remember less & less about that timeframe..

...One memory that remains is that I woke up & had to tell Matt about this funny dream I had- I was facing a brick wall & there was a very small chipped indentation in it, & a little gecko kept running around the wall and in & out of that little hole.. It made me laugh because the silliness of it reminded me of a silly dream he'd had while medicated when hospitalized after his terrible accident nearly 6 years prior.. And I remember that I wanted to take pictures- he kept encouraging me to sleep, but it was so important to me to chronicle everything so that we could look back over the years over the magnitude of what we'd survived together...

...I was so swollen from all the IV fluids that got pumped in during surgery that he said it scared him, he almost didn't recognize me...

...I also remember Matt telling me that Aaron & Wendy had made it there from NY, & that his dad also had made it from PA, they were in the waiting area.. I wanted to see them if they had gone through all of that trouble to travel all that way.. He seemed doubtful that I was up to it, but I insisted.. I fell asleep each time before each of them came in one-by-one.. But I remember them clearly.. And I remember Wendy giving me a card & chocolate- she knows my chocolate-love well.. So sweet of them to come.. And I'm so glad Matt had them during the waiting.. All 4 of them were able to update friends & family by phone as everything went along..

...My mouth & lips became incredibly dry, unlike any dryness I'd ever known, so much so it became difficult to talk because my tongue kept getting stuck wherever it landed in my mouth when I would try to form words.. They tried several times giving me ice chips, but within 10 minutes I would become terribly nauseous every time.. They would then have to give me anti-nausea IV meds, & would have to postpone my moving to an actual hospital room even longer.. After a few times, the nurse said no more eating whole ice chips at all, but brought me a little sponge on a stick that I could dip in the melting ice chips & use to moisten my mouth & lips, & I could suck a little moisture from that.. After a while of success with that, they were able to release me to a room that night..

...I remember nothing about being wheeled to the room until I got there.. I was thinking how sweet the 2 nurses were that were helping me get situated.. I don't remember what they talked about really, with the exception that one of them told me to make sure to ask for my pain meds on time, because if I fell asleep & slept through the time when I could/should take them, I was in for an extremely rude awakening of pain, that NO ONE would want to wake up like that.. Matt had gone down to the car to grab our overnight bags.. When he arrived, they showed him where the bedding cabinet was with pillows, sheets & blankets just for him.. He could wheel his oversized recliner bed right next to mine..

...They brought us each a box with a sandwich, apple, & cookie.. I could finally hold things down & was thrilled that I had an appetite.. And boy was it an appetite- after all, I hadn't eaten or drank anything in well over 24 hours..

...One of my incisions kept leaking through & bleeding on my gown & sheets.. Nurse Jincy came and bought a big extra gauze bandage on it.. We ate & Matt got his bed situated, I asked for meds as needed, we watched The Office episodes on Netflix on Matt's tablet, & I was thrilled that I didn't even really feel the catheter in place (that had been one of my major recovery concerns!).. Around 11:00pm we settled in to sleep, & Matt turned out the lights for us.. We fell asleep holding hands..

...At 12:30am I awoke terribly startled.. What the one nurse said had indeed come true.. I woke up suddenly in searing pain all over my whole abdomen & back, & the worst bladder pain I'd ever experienced.. I called for the nurse on my bedside speaker.. While waiting, I started shaking uncontrollably, & then crying.. Matt stirred beside me & rubbed my hand, asking what was wrong.. I couldn't be consoled, so he got up & quickly came to the other side of my bed, rubbing my hair & my arm until Nurse Jincy arrived.. She quickly administered Delaudid through my IV & checked my catheter bag at the foot of my bed.. Whoever had emptied it last had left it on top of my bed instead of below the bed, so it wasn't draining & had backed up, filling my bladder impossibly full.. The whole reason a constant catheter is needed after this surgery is because 1) The parametria that was removed carries bladder nerves. The bladder will need time to learn how to work properly again, as well as adjust to being shuffled around during surgery & it's new permanent change in position in your body, & 2) All the supportive tissue around the bladder has all been cut out- the catheter is supposed to keep the bladder empty, so that it doesn't expand into the surrounding tissue that needs time to heal.. That is exactly what was happening in this moment- in addition to the direct surgical pain, my bladder had expanded not only into an impossibly large size with no ability to release, but it was pressing on all sides on my fresh surgical area. It was excruciating.. The IV Delaudid kicks in within 20 seconds, & the catheter bag once moved to below my bed caused everything to drain, which caused a measure of immediate relief.. Even after the pain had improved, my body continued to tremble for some time from waking up that way.. Matt settled back in his bed, & held my hand, & we both eventually settled back off to sleep..

...Sleep was sporatic.. Every few hours through the night, a tech came in to check vitals, empty the catheter bag & record the liquid amount to make sure my bladder is functioning.. As the sun rose & a pale blue light peeked through the window shades into the room, my heart swelled with appreciation at the sight of my sweet supportive husband holding my hand in my hospital bed.. I prayed on & off throughout- brief prayers as each prayerful thought came to me, as my mind wasn't clear enough for a long prayer.. Here we were.. How in the world did we get here.. But here we were.. Time to focus on recovery.. I was so grateful to be where we were at this moment in time..