Tuesday, September 27, 2016

The Aftermath Begins...

..."Elizabeth, wake up!! You've made it to recovery!"...

...My first thoughts were that 1) I was sooo thankful I didn't wake up in the middle, & that 2) I wasn't aware when they pulled out my breathing tube... I felt what seemed like a million hands on me from head to toe.. Unplugging things, plugging more things in, unhooking things, hooking more things up, situating my blanket, hooking me up to the heart moniter, removing my bonnet & smoothing my hair, putting oxygen on my nose & wrapping it behind my ears.. All I could think about was how badly my right arm hurt.. And it occurred to me how odd it was that I just had abdominal surgery & what hurt me the worst at this moment was my arm.. I heard myself feebly asking over & over, "Why does my arm hurt so bad? Why does my arm hurt so bad?".. My eyelids were heavy & the lights felt so bright.. I opened my eyes & look to the left and asked again.. The man was hooking different things up on me & didn't seem to hear me.. I looked to the right & asked again.. A sweet blond nurse bent down to listen.. She looked angelic with the bright white hospital lights creating a glow around her surgical-hat covered head.. With so much kindness in her voice, she said that it was probably from my blood pressure cuff being on it for so long & that they would switch arms for me.. (I found out later from Matt that they'd also had to raise that arm up out of the way during surgery for the robot to access the work on that side-- that arm hurt for weeks & developed a terrible bruise near my armpit).. As she moved the pressure cuff & adjusted the oxygen tube in my nose & around my ears, I recall softly saying about the oxygen, "Wow that burns," as I closed my eyes again...

...It seemed like I woke up thousands of times, but never knew how much time had passed.. Each time, I forgot where I was until I opened my eyes for the 58,679th time to see.. A blur of pain, asking for more pain medication, noises, & visuals of billowing white curtains & a nurse sitting at the front left of my bed with a computer.. Finally, I felt as if certainly a long enough time had passed for them to have called Matt (they had told us he could come back about 1 hour after entering recovery) & I asked where he was.. She asked if I wanted her to get him & I said yes.. (I found out later from Matt, that it had only been about 40 minutes since he was notified that I was in recovery, but they let him come anyway).. I had fallen asleep again, when suddenly he was there coming through a curtain.. I remember being so happy to see him but don't remember anything other than the feeling.. (He told me later that I had smiled & said, "Hi baby")...

...A continued blur of waking up confused by strange dreams, Matt holding my hand with his kind smile, the beeps of my heart & oxygen monitors, & my own incessant talking- I don't remember what I was talking about, but I was proud of myself for how 'alert' I was.. (Heheh, yeah sure I was 'alert').. I remember Matt so many times gently encouraging me to try to sleep.. (He told me later that what I kept talking about was how loud everything was & wondering why it had to be so loud- the guy snoring in the recovery curtain room next to mine, nurses talking loudly as they passed by, I'd even wondered out loud what they were talking about).. I vaguely remember different doctors from the team coming in to check on me & talk to Matt.. I remember them saying that my lymph nodes & the ovary from which they removed the 2nd tumor (the non-malignant one) didn't look swollen or irritated so that that was a good sign.. I vaguely remember Dr. Tanner coming in to check on us as well.. The surgery had taken longer than the anticipated 4 hours, mostly because of the extra tumor they had to remove.. At the time, I felt like I could remember everything, but as the days & weeks went on, I remember less & less about that timeframe..

...One memory that remains is that I woke up & had to tell Matt about this funny dream I had- I was facing a brick wall & there was a very small chipped indentation in it, & a little gecko kept running around the wall and in & out of that little hole.. It made me laugh because the silliness of it reminded me of a silly dream he'd had while medicated when hospitalized after his terrible accident nearly 6 years prior.. And I remember that I wanted to take pictures- he kept encouraging me to sleep, but it was so important to me to chronicle everything so that we could look back over the years over the magnitude of what we'd survived together...


...I was so swollen from all the IV fluids that got pumped in during surgery that he said it scared him, he almost didn't recognize me...



...I also remember Matt telling me that Aaron & Wendy had made it there from NY, & that his dad also had made it from PA, they were in the waiting area.. I wanted to see them if they had gone through all of that trouble to travel all that way.. He seemed doubtful that I was up to it, but I insisted.. I fell asleep each time before each of them came in one-by-one.. But I remember them clearly.. And I remember Wendy giving me a card & chocolate- she knows my chocolate-love well.. So sweet of them to come.. And I'm so glad Matt had them during the waiting.. All 4 of them were able to update friends & family by phone as everything went along..

...My mouth & lips became incredibly dry, unlike any dryness I'd ever known, so much so it became difficult to talk because my tongue kept getting stuck wherever it landed in my mouth when I would try to form words.. They tried several times giving me ice chips, but within 10 minutes I would become terribly nauseous every time.. They would then have to give me anti-nausea IV meds, & would have to postpone my moving to an actual hospital room even longer.. After a few times, the nurse said no more eating whole ice chips at all, but brought me a little sponge on a stick that I could dip in the melting ice chips & use to moisten my mouth & lips, & I could suck a little moisture from that.. After a while of success with that, they were able to release me to a room that night..

...I remember nothing about being wheeled to the room until I got there.. I was thinking how sweet the 2 nurses were that were helping me get situated.. I don't remember what they talked about really, with the exception that one of them told me to make sure to ask for my pain meds on time, because if I fell asleep & slept through the time when I could/should take them, I was in for an extremely rude awakening of pain, that NO ONE would want to wake up like that.. Matt had gone down to the car to grab our overnight bags.. When he arrived, they showed him where the bedding cabinet was with pillows, sheets & blankets just for him.. He could wheel his oversized recliner bed right next to mine..


...They brought us each a box with a sandwich, apple, & cookie.. I could finally hold things down & was thrilled that I had an appetite.. And boy was it an appetite- after all, I hadn't eaten or drank anything in well over 24 hours..

...One of my incisions kept leaking through & bleeding on my gown & sheets.. Nurse Jincy came and bought a big extra gauze bandage on it.. We ate & Matt got his bed situated, I asked for meds as needed, we watched The Office episodes on Netflix on Matt's tablet, & I was thrilled that I didn't even really feel the catheter in place (that had been one of my major recovery concerns!).. Around 11:00pm we settled in to sleep, & Matt turned out the lights for us.. We fell asleep holding hands..

...At 12:30am I awoke terribly startled.. What the one nurse said had indeed come true.. I woke up suddenly in searing pain all over my whole abdomen & back, & the worst bladder pain I'd ever experienced.. I called for the nurse on my bedside speaker.. While waiting, I started shaking uncontrollably, & then crying.. Matt stirred beside me & rubbed my hand, asking what was wrong.. I couldn't be consoled, so he got up & quickly came to the other side of my bed, rubbing my hair & my arm until Nurse Jincy arrived.. She quickly administered Delaudid through my IV & checked my catheter bag at the foot of my bed.. Whoever had emptied it last had left it on top of my bed instead of below the bed, so it wasn't draining & had backed up, filling my bladder impossibly full.. The whole reason a constant catheter is needed after this surgery is because 1) The parametria that was removed carries bladder nerves. The bladder will need time to learn how to work properly again, as well as adjust to being shuffled around during surgery & it's new permanent change in position in your body, & 2) All the supportive tissue around the bladder has all been cut out- the catheter is supposed to keep the bladder empty, so that it doesn't expand into the surrounding tissue that needs time to heal.. That is exactly what was happening in this moment- in addition to the direct surgical pain, my bladder had expanded not only into an impossibly large size with no ability to release, but it was pressing on all sides on my fresh surgical area. It was excruciating.. The IV Delaudid kicks in within 20 seconds, & the catheter bag once moved to below my bed caused everything to drain, which caused a measure of immediate relief.. Even after the pain had improved, my body continued to tremble for some time from waking up that way.. Matt settled back in his bed, & held my hand, & we both eventually settled back off to sleep..

...Sleep was sporatic.. Every few hours through the night, a tech came in to check vitals, empty the catheter bag & record the liquid amount to make sure my bladder is functioning.. As the sun rose & a pale blue light peeked through the window shades into the room, my heart swelled with appreciation at the sight of my sweet supportive husband holding my hand in my hospital bed.. I prayed on & off throughout- brief prayers as each prayerful thought came to me, as my mind wasn't clear enough for a long prayer.. Here we were.. How in the world did we get here.. But here we were.. Time to focus on recovery.. I was so grateful to be where we were at this moment in time..


No comments:

Post a Comment