...I don't even know how I feel right now.. I'm so mentally drained.. Realistically things are good-- Antonio's appointment went well & things look good for him, my prognosis is good, we have what we need, & sure things are financially tight but we have been in much worse financial straits before, our family is happy.. What more could I ask for?.. So why can't I pull it together.. I'm tired.. I can't keep track of anything.. Even more so than usual I can't remember anything.. The little bit of organization that there was in my already-chaotic brain is completely shot.. I can't keep track of anything....... (See, that quickly I forgot that I just wrote that same sentence already)...... (No, that was not a joke, I'm just reading over what I wrote & discovered I'd written it twice...*sigh*)
...This cancer thing is always on my mind.. It looms over every single little thing.. It keeps me up at night.. It completely & overwhelmingly dominates my thoughts.. It's a monster inside that I want to claw out right this moment.. The surgery feels too far away,.. & yet it feels like I have such a limited period of time to organize everything that needs to be organized-- the garden (how long til I can weed it or plant in it after??, when will I have time to plant what's ready to go in now? what about my future planting schedule? what about harvest times?), the bills, the house, my pioneering (what avenues can I use in order to continue in the full-time ministry during my recovery? is it reasonable that I can do it?).. What about laundry? Grocery shopping? Work (oh how I should be working more right now as it is)? And oh so much more, it just won't let up..
...And of course I think about the surgery itself.. and all the unspoken what-ifs that come with that.. I still have those 2 quarreling sides of myself that have emerged since the diagnosis.. One is saying that everything is going to be fine.. I'm pretty sure that's the dominant one.. The other one feels the need to think of every Plan A-Z that could possibly happen in order to mentally prepare.. I've spent a lot of time talking to Jehovah about it all.. And yet sometimes my mind is so distracted over the last few days that I forget that I'm praying in the middle of it.. I always feel better after a deep prayer to Him, but I'm having a hard time pulling my thoughts together for a really good deep one the last few days.. I do try.. I'm grateful that the Bible promises He knows anyway, & His spirit can plead for us in our behalf.. What a wonderful God He is.. I yearn to talk to Him.. It's nice to know that even when you can't explain something well, He already knows, He knows you better than you know yourself, & appreciates that you're trying anyway..
...Our friends that came to visit on Friday & Sunday, & Antonio's friend that stayed through the full weekend, provided a nice distraction.. I find that good friends help keep things in perspective like being immersed in nature does,.. in a similar yet different way.. Without even trying, their presence & conversation, their own spoken worries & problems, the laughter & jokes, all reminds of the bigger picture.. The one where everything is chaotic & crazy for everyone in this world we live in, the one where everything in the end is promised to be ok.. This visit has been planned for months.. But I feel that Jehovah, knowing everything that was coming up, arranged for it to be on this exact weekend for that very reason..
...It helped my mental state tremendously that I had already told them before they came.. The elephant in the room was already unveiled.. It's such a huge elephant.. Unveiling it has been a bigger battle than I expected..
...And yet after they're gone, my mind takes over again.. Life kicks back in again.. My mind is chaotic & crazy again.. My mind exhausts me again.. Pull it together, Elizabeth, pull it together..
...Although we had a wonderful ministry morning Saturday, & a wonderful congregation meeting on Sunday, it was so hard for me to see & talk to congregation friends.. I don't know who does & doesn't know right now.. When they ask me 'How are you?', I don't know if they are asking in general or if it's more.. I find myself immediately saying, 'Good', & quickly skipping to asking & talking about them to keep the subject off of me.. If they know, I find myself not wanting them to think that 'me' is all I'll want to talk about.. And if they don't know, I don't know how to find a way to tell them.. "Hey, so guess what..", "So, we found out that I have cancer and..", there is no 'good' way, no way that isn't incredibly awkward.. Just the mere thought of trying to causes so much anxiety in me, an almost irrational amount of anxiety.. It's a huge elephant.. My mind exhausts me.. Pull it together, Elizabeth, pull it together..
No comments:
Post a Comment