...My mind never stops.. To top it off, I think I've somehow maintained the analyzing curiousity of a 2-year-old.. My mind exhausts me.. Today was no exception..
...Sitting in the patient room, my mind memorizes & questions every single minute detail.. the odd sound coming from the other side of the patient room window (what is that? a bug? a bird? a grounds person?).. Why is that window so high you can't see out of it?.. The broken ceiling tile (I wonder how that happened? I wonder what year it was put in?).. 2 fluorescent ceiling lights.. 2 recessed ceiling fixtures with screens over them (what are they? vents? speakers?.. hidden cameras?...).. The way patient exam tables are made (fascinating, who invented that?).... (Stop thinking about these stupid unimportant things, focus on something else..).... The look of Matt's hand surrounding mine.. So beautiful, so protecting.. The shimmer of our wedding rings.. So beautiful, so protecting.. The warmth of his body leaning in to mine.. So beautiful, so protecting... (I'm glad he's with me right now..)....
...The exception in my endless exhausting observations today was my preceding thought before every new one-- 'take in this moment, remember it, relish it as the last moment before your life changes forever'.. Then another thought would slap that one down-- 'stop being dramatic & silly, this won't be what it seems to be, things are never as bad you worry that they may be'.. Then that thought would get a more resounding slap in the face-- 'no, you know it's true, you're just preparing yourself for what you already know to be true'....
...I'd had some basic annual checkup tests a few weeks before.. which led to a phone call that more tests were needed.. which led to more tests.. & then the phone call a mere 2 days later stating the doctor needed to see me back 'right away'.. It was 4:00 in the afternoon.. It would take us 20 minutes to get there.. What doctor's office has time for an extra person on a Friday at almost closing time?... 'Right away'...
...It sent chills down my spine.. This can't be good.. I had just gotten home from a Bible study, I had been thanking Jehovah for how amazing it had gone & for the gift of these amazing Bible students & looking forward to sharing how it went with my boys.. I had brought the pizza for our weekly pizza-and-a-movie-Friday-- something we 3 looked forward to every week.. I'm so grateful that Matt was home when I got that phone call.. He had just one question-- "Why?".. I blankly looked at him-- "They didn't say.".. He immediately & unquestioningly put on his shoes & said "Let's go.".. On the ride, we tried to casually talk about what the reason might be.., but never used the one word that was on both of our minds.... The 'C' word.... 'It must be some sort of test results'.. 'Maybe it's something slightly abnormal & they just want to do more tests to be extra thorough'.. 'Unexpected pregnancy?'.... We kept it nonchalant, casual.. Then I changed the subject to share with him how the Bible study had gone.. It couldn't hurt to focus on something wonderful for a moment.. And then we talked about casual other things.. We were both trying to lessen the worry load on the other.. (If I don't seem worried, maybe he won't be).. I know he was thinking the same.. In between moments of conversation, I prayed.. I'm not sure what about exactly.. All I remember is something about 'peace of mind & a calm heart'.. All I knew was that I needed to talk to Jehovah & needed to feel Him with us.. When we pulled into our parking spot, I asked Matt to say a prayer out loud for us before we went in.. I don't remember exactly what he said, but despite my nervousness, I remember feeling a measure of peace, & so grateful.. As we stepped out of the car, my heart welled with appreciation for this spiritual man, & I thanked Jehovah for him...
...The nurses acted strange (maybe they are rushed.. Fridays appear to be busy.. What a stressful environment this must be to work in..... Come to think of it, I've never seen the office so busy, how do they have time for me last-minute?...).. Once taken back to the exam room, one nurse took my vitals (why? I didn't come in because I'm sick, I came in because they asked me to..).. Another nurse came in & nervously rushed her along, cracked a joke that made no sense, quickly logged out of the computer screen where my patient information was located, said it was nice to see 'us' again (Matt has never met you...), & nervously laughed & rushed the other nurse out the door- I recognized her as the nurse that was present for my last set of tests... As we waited for the doctor, time slowed to an eternity.. Matt & I didn't talk much.. When we did, it was casual,.. mostly about the length of time we were waiting.. So of course my mind couldn't help but note every single pointless detail about the room.. My mind exhausts me.. I told him I liked this doctor- she was tactful but straightforward, she wasn't the type to beat around the bush or sugar-coat anything, she would get straight to the point... And that she did....
...She was clearly uncomfortable when entering the room.. She sat down & said that she had gotten a call from pathology that afternoon & that 'as we know' getting a call back about test results that quickly is never a good sign.. The last tests ('wait, I'm not ready yet') were found to be ('don't say it, I'm not ready to hear it yet')........ cancer............... I felt what seemed to be half of me separate from the other half of me... One half of me felt a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, & had her heart jump in her throat.. The other half of me calmly nodded & said "ok", not understanding why any part of myself was cool as a cucumber right now.. (Why do I become an emotional zombie during critical situations.. It's annoying.. Stop it..).. I vaguely felt Matt take a deep breath & take my hand firmly in his.. I don't really remember the details of what the doctor said next.. I remember more my own puzzlement & inward analyzing of my reaction.., & then my irritation at myself that I couldn't pay better attention because of my own stupid brain.. She said something along the lines that they had taken the liberty of making me an appointment with a specialized oncologist for Monday afternoon (wait, it's beyond some sort of a simple 'first step procedure' & 'retest' or something here in the office?).. He was in Maryland..(no one can handle this here in West Virginia, ... or even northern Virginia...?).. Puzzlement & alarm.. She handed us a paper with the results & notes from more than one doctor that had looked at it, & explained that was all they knew & the oncologist would know more & be able to explain more & test further.. I looked at the paper & mentally compared the times that pathology received the results, called the doctor with them, & remembered what time I received the phone call.. Boy they worked fast for me.. Part of me was grateful.. The other part of me was alarmed more.. Matt had tension in his voice.. "I don't know what I'm looking at, I just, what is this, I don't understand what I'm looking at".. She gently came over to us & pointed out some things on the paper,.. although I don't remember what they were.. The oncologist would do further testing to determine the stage of the cancer & treatment options & would take it from here.. She patiently waited to give us time to come up with more questions.. I asked a few basic ones,.. but I knew this was now no longer her specialty, she truly was giving us all the information she had.. What a terrible position this nice woman just found herself in, I did not envy her.. I didn't want to upset her with questions I knew she didn't have the answer to.. And she was pregnant.. Unacceptable to upset a pregnant woman.. The rest of our time in the room is a blur.. She typed some things.., I think.. At the end, she mentioned it was her hope it was caught early, as well as her puzzlement that nothing at all had shown up sooner before it had progressed to this, as that was not normally the case.. I just kept re-reading the paper.. I don't know what I was looking for.. I didn't want to look up & see Matt's reaction.. I just kept looking at the paper....
...She shook our hands, & wished us well.. I thanked her.. What else do you do?.. I saw the same nervous nurse when we left.. She still looked nervous, opened her mouth several times as we walked by as if she was going to say something, but never did.. I smiled at her.. What else do you do?....
...As we walked to the car, I was still in 2 separate parts.. Part of me wondered why I didn't feel any different.. The other part of me wondered why it felt that everything had changed, even tiny unrelated things.. We walked by 2 workers (I bet they aren't even thinking about cancer..).. Our car (this is the first time I'm getting in it as a cancer patient).. People we drove past just casually walking down the road (do you have cancer & you just don't know it yet?).. Oh look, that man trying to cross the road on his lawnmower saw us trying to turn & backed up for us (what a nice man... what a very very nice man.... Some people are just so nice.... Oh sure, that will get my emotions going practically to the point of tears welling up, what is wrong with my stupid broken emotions)....
...Driving home conversations-- "What do we tell Antonio?.. How?".. "We need to tell our group overseer so that we can immediately have the congregation elders' support & prayers".. "Cancer doesn't run in my family".. I know there was more than that, but I don't remember it.. (Am I even attached to my body right now?...).....
...We decided to tell Antonio I just needed to get some more tests on Monday "that's all", until we knew more from that appointment, we don't even know how far advanced it is or what to expect.. After all, he had his own big cardiology appointments coming up 3 hours away at the UVA Children's Hospital in just a week.. Yes, we'll wait until we know more.. The less people worrying, the better..
...We had our pizza-and-a-movie-Friday as normal.. We laughed at the funny parts, & scoffed at the ridiculous parts.. Things carried on as usual outwardly.. And as if casually checking some things on my phone, I privately researched my new oncologist, & my cancer type-- cervical adenocarcinoma.. During a break, Matt casually went outside to 'make a phone call'.. I knew it was to our group overseer.. I didn't ask him what was said..
...Matt was more attentive than even his usual attentive self.. More snuggling than usual.. More kisses on my hand & forehead than usual as we sat together on the couch.. More rubbing my arm than usual.. It was sweet & I appreciated it, I felt loved, adored, protected.. It also made me sad.. I don't want him to worry.. I know how I would feel if roles were reversed.. I don't want that sweet man worrying anymore than he already worries... Later, when we were alone, he said "I'm sorry."... I said, "I'M sorry."... Neither one of us knew why either one of us was sorry.. We just were....
...When we went to bed, he held onto me longer than usual.... The 'C' word kept resonating in my head... Hours later, when my mind, with the help of prayers, could finally wonder onto other things, that word would sneak in my thoughts & slap me in the face & punch me in the gut all over again.. Fresh.. As if it was my first time hearing it all over again.......... I. Have. Cancer...... I am a person, a 38-year-old woman, a wife, a mother, with Cancer........
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