Tuesday July 26... Recovery begins.. Or so we thought..

...Between 7:00-8:00am each morning, the doctor crew makes their morning rounds.. The nurse had warned me ahead of time- probably 7-8 of them would come in & discuss my case & examine me.. And that they did.. But only 1-2 of them took the lead, ones that had actually been in the operating room with me, the others were observers.. They were all very kind, personable, & light-hearted, & very mindful of my 'dignity'.. It was easy to feel comfortable around them, despite having to pull up my hospital gown...

...Shift change for the nurses also occurred between 7:00-7:30.. So we met my new nurse, Nurse Liz, & she quickly became our favorite.. She was kind, understanding, funny, the kind of person you feel like you've known for a long time.. She never questioned when I asked for pain meds.. She took the initiative to bring Matt food, drinks, & coffee even without him asking for him, & anything else that we did ask for.. She explained the hospital food process to us.. Instead of having meals delivered at a set time every day, they actually had a menu that you call & order from any time between 7am-6:30pm & order anything you want.. There was even a guest menu for Matt, so that he literally never had to leave the room even to eat.. Added bonus-- the food was tasty!...

...A fresh hospital gown, towels & washcloths, & toiletries were brought in for me to bathe.. Matt helped me sponge bathe & dress.. At one point during my bath, Nurse Liz just came on in my room & swept back my privacy curtain-- automatically I quickly covered & said, "Um, I'm bathing".. Without batting an eye, or even looking at me, she said, "Oh that's ok, I don't mind!" & continued what she was doing at my room's medical computer.. At first, I didn't know what to do, but quickly realized how silly it was to feel bashful around a nurse, much less a female nurse, much less Nurse Liz! who I felt so comfortable around.. I felt sheepish, & resumed bathing..

...I was encouraged to walk the hallway.. As I barely shuffled along wheeling my IV in one hand, & holding my catheter bag in my other hand with Matt by my side, I began to chuckle.. I turned to Matt, saying, "I never thought I'd be that person that shuffles down the hallway holding their pee bag"...

...The rest of the day is a blur of pain meds, ordering lunch, & resting.. A doctor came in sometime in the afternoon to see how things were going & see if I felt up to going home- the only requirements for medical release were being able to hold down food & walk a little.. She said I certainly didn't have to go home if I didn't feel up to it,.. but I didn't see any reason why not.. She checked everything, answered our questions, chose the 5 meds to send to the pharmacy, & gave discharge instructions & my long list of physical restrictions.. Over the course of the next few hours, Nurse Liz taught us how to manage my catheter, bringing me a leg strap for the tube, & how to manage it under clothes, how to empty the bag & record the amounts.. She & Matt both helped me get dressed.. She showed us how to use a safety pin to hang the urine bag inside my loose yoga pants-- it hung down at my calf & with the long tubing peeking out at the bottom of my pants, along with the sheer bulkiness of it, it was clear it was in there but I didn't care-- my modesty was long thrown out the window.. She asked me what shoes I brought- I told her sneakers- I mean, they seemed the obvious easy comfortable post-op shoes, right?.. She frowned & said, "No flip flops or anything?".. I hadn't realized that fluid swelling was an issue for a while.. With no other shoe options, she said I should simply wear the hospital grippy socks  but that she would bring me a fresh pair to put on literally right before I got in the car so as not to bring home hospital 'contamination'.. She brought me fresh pain meds to go ahead & take in anticipation of the road trip..

...We'd opted not to go home with the typical daily Lovenox blood thinner injections- it was a calculated risk that Dr Tanner felt was probably best due to my choice limitations if a bleed were to occur, but he was on the fence about it & ultimately left it up to us- we opted against it.. What it came down to was that, while a blood clot would be devastating, the risk was relatively low of having one.. but if something happened & a bleed occurred, which was more likely than a blood clot in my surgery's case, it would most likely be fatal if I wouldn't accept a blood transfusion... So it simply made sense to us to decline-- extra walking it would be, as well as flexing my feet & ankles back & forth at least every 30-60 minutes.. Neither Nurse Liz nor the discharge doctor questioned our decision, but Nurse Liz reiterated the magnitude of the importance of the walking & flexing, stating, "Soreness won't kill ya, but a blood clot sure can!"...

...By the time the discharge was official & Matt had gone down to the pharmacy to get my meds, it was around 4:30pm that my wheelchair arrived.. Nurse Liz gave me a hug, & asked if we would come by & see her after my first pre-op visit the following week-- she "wanted to see me without that urine bag"... I'd only known her for a day & I was already going to miss her!.. Matt carried our overnight bags, discharge folder, & meds while the super quiet tech wheeled me to the elevators.. A few other people entered the elevator off of lower floors as we went down.. One middle-aged lady kept looking at me, I could see her from the side.. I glanced briefly up at her & saw she had a tender sympathetic smile.. Seeing me glance at her, she quickly looked away, but when I also turned back, she clearly turned her head back to look again.. I didn't know how to feel- I knew she meant no harm, but I had no idea what she was thinking & the staring embarrassed me...

...Since Matt was parked close to the parking garage elevators, w/ the parking garage being underground straight below the hospital, instead of him driving around to the hospital front doors to pick me up, the tech just went down the few extra floors to the garage.. At the car door, we changed my grippy socks & threw the others away, as Nurse Liz said to.. And before I knew it, we were heading home & I was holding my stomach to brace it, & flinching with pain at every single little bump & turn.. Matt tried his best to be careful & slow, & sweetly apologized over every single bump or break-- probably at least a hundred times on the way home, the sweet man.. But nothing makes you feel how much bumping around typically goes on in a car on the road like your belly feeling like any shaking will burst your whole torso open, spilling your guts out all over the place.. It was a terribly long 2+ hour ride home...

...At home, Matt ever so sweetly helped me out of the car & slowly make my way to the front deck steps-- he & Antonio had built handrails on it just a few weeks ago, just for this purpose-- I truly have the best boys in the world.. Those handrails were lifesavers-- I could lean heavily on both rails on both sides going up, with Matt's hand gently behind me on my back.. He helped me into the front door & get settled comfortably on the sofa, with my meds lined up, along with my post-op breathing apparatus, water bottle, crackers, & chocolate on a TV tray right beside me.. We figured out the best positioning of the catheter tubing & urine bag-- so awkward, but at least it wasn't physically uncomfortable.. Antonio was going to stay one more night at his friends' house.. So, I talked to him briefly on the phone before we settled in for the night- it had only been 2 days, but with all that had taken place it felt like so much longer.. He's a sweet boy.. I could hear the tender concern & love in his voice.. Matt had kept him updated throughout.. I was glad he was having a nice time-- good friends are more valuable than all the physical treasures in the world.. I also really looked forward to seeing him..

...Matt was taking the next day off of work to be with me, so we took our time in going to bed.. The rest of the night is a blur of Oxycodone, choppy sleep, strange dreams, & pain.. But at least we were home.. At least now focus could be on recovery.. It was only up from here right?.. So we thought...

The Aftermath Begins...

..."Elizabeth, wake up!! You've made it to recovery!"...

...My first thoughts were that 1) I was sooo thankful I didn't wake up in the middle, & that 2) I wasn't aware when they pulled out my breathing tube... I felt what seemed like a million hands on me from head to toe.. Unplugging things, plugging more things in, unhooking things, hooking more things up, situating my blanket, hooking me up to the heart moniter, removing my bonnet & smoothing my hair, putting oxygen on my nose & wrapping it behind my ears.. All I could think about was how badly my right arm hurt.. And it occurred to me how odd it was that I just had abdominal surgery & what hurt me the worst at this moment was my arm.. I heard myself feebly asking over & over, "Why does my arm hurt so bad? Why does my arm hurt so bad?".. My eyelids were heavy & the lights felt so bright.. I opened my eyes & look to the left and asked again.. The man was hooking different things up on me & didn't seem to hear me.. I looked to the right & asked again.. A sweet blond nurse bent down to listen.. She looked angelic with the bright white hospital lights creating a glow around her surgical-hat covered head.. With so much kindness in her voice, she said that it was probably from my blood pressure cuff being on it for so long & that they would switch arms for me.. (I found out later from Matt that they'd also had to raise that arm up out of the way during surgery for the robot to access the work on that side-- that arm hurt for weeks & developed a terrible bruise near my armpit).. As she moved the pressure cuff & adjusted the oxygen tube in my nose & around my ears, I recall softly saying about the oxygen, "Wow that burns," as I closed my eyes again...

...It seemed like I woke up thousands of times, but never knew how much time had passed.. Each time, I forgot where I was until I opened my eyes for the 58,679th time to see.. A blur of pain, asking for more pain medication, noises, & visuals of billowing white curtains & a nurse sitting at the front left of my bed with a computer.. Finally, I felt as if certainly a long enough time had passed for them to have called Matt (they had told us he could come back about 1 hour after entering recovery) & I asked where he was.. She asked if I wanted her to get him & I said yes.. (I found out later from Matt, that it had only been about 40 minutes since he was notified that I was in recovery, but they let him come anyway).. I had fallen asleep again, when suddenly he was there coming through a curtain.. I remember being so happy to see him but don't remember anything other than the feeling.. (He told me later that I had smiled & said, "Hi baby")...

...A continued blur of waking up confused by strange dreams, Matt holding my hand with his kind smile, the beeps of my heart & oxygen monitors, & my own incessant talking- I don't remember what I was talking about, but I was proud of myself for how 'alert' I was.. (Heheh, yeah sure I was 'alert').. I remember Matt so many times gently encouraging me to try to sleep.. (He told me later that what I kept talking about was how loud everything was & wondering why it had to be so loud- the guy snoring in the recovery curtain room next to mine, nurses talking loudly as they passed by, I'd even wondered out loud what they were talking about).. I vaguely remember different doctors from the team coming in to check on me & talk to Matt.. I remember them saying that my lymph nodes & the ovary from which they removed the 2nd tumor (the non-malignant one) didn't look swollen or irritated so that that was a good sign.. I vaguely remember Dr. Tanner coming in to check on us as well.. The surgery had taken longer than the anticipated 4 hours, mostly because of the extra tumor they had to remove.. At the time, I felt like I could remember everything, but as the days & weeks went on, I remember less & less about that timeframe..

...One memory that remains is that I woke up & had to tell Matt about this funny dream I had- I was facing a brick wall & there was a very small chipped indentation in it, & a little gecko kept running around the wall and in & out of that little hole.. It made me laugh because the silliness of it reminded me of a silly dream he'd had while medicated when hospitalized after his terrible accident nearly 6 years prior.. And I remember that I wanted to take pictures- he kept encouraging me to sleep, but it was so important to me to chronicle everything so that we could look back over the years over the magnitude of what we'd survived together...

...I was so swollen from all the IV fluids that got pumped in during surgery that he said it scared him, he almost didn't recognize me...

...I also remember Matt telling me that Aaron & Wendy had made it there from NY, & that his dad also had made it from PA, they were in the waiting area.. I wanted to see them if they had gone through all of that trouble to travel all that way.. He seemed doubtful that I was up to it, but I insisted.. I fell asleep each time before each of them came in one-by-one.. But I remember them clearly.. And I remember Wendy giving me a card & chocolate- she knows my chocolate-love well.. So sweet of them to come.. And I'm so glad Matt had them during the waiting.. All 4 of them were able to update friends & family by phone as everything went along..

...My mouth & lips became incredibly dry, unlike any dryness I'd ever known, so much so it became difficult to talk because my tongue kept getting stuck wherever it landed in my mouth when I would try to form words.. They tried several times giving me ice chips, but within 10 minutes I would become terribly nauseous every time.. They would then have to give me anti-nausea IV meds, & would have to postpone my moving to an actual hospital room even longer.. After a few times, the nurse said no more eating whole ice chips at all, but brought me a little sponge on a stick that I could dip in the melting ice chips & use to moisten my mouth & lips, & I could suck a little moisture from that.. After a while of success with that, they were able to release me to a room that night..

...I remember nothing about being wheeled to the room until I got there.. I was thinking how sweet the 2 nurses were that were helping me get situated.. I don't remember what they talked about really, with the exception that one of them told me to make sure to ask for my pain meds on time, because if I fell asleep & slept through the time when I could/should take them, I was in for an extremely rude awakening of pain, that NO ONE would want to wake up like that.. Matt had gone down to the car to grab our overnight bags.. When he arrived, they showed him where the bedding cabinet was with pillows, sheets & blankets just for him.. He could wheel his oversized recliner bed right next to mine..

...They brought us each a box with a sandwich, apple, & cookie.. I could finally hold things down & was thrilled that I had an appetite.. And boy was it an appetite- after all, I hadn't eaten or drank anything in well over 24 hours..

...One of my incisions kept leaking through & bleeding on my gown & sheets.. Nurse Jincy came and bought a big extra gauze bandage on it.. We ate & Matt got his bed situated, I asked for meds as needed, we watched The Office episodes on Netflix on Matt's tablet, & I was thrilled that I didn't even really feel the catheter in place (that had been one of my major recovery concerns!).. Around 11:00pm we settled in to sleep, & Matt turned out the lights for us.. We fell asleep holding hands..

...At 12:30am I awoke terribly startled.. What the one nurse said had indeed come true.. I woke up suddenly in searing pain all over my whole abdomen & back, & the worst bladder pain I'd ever experienced.. I called for the nurse on my bedside speaker.. While waiting, I started shaking uncontrollably, & then crying.. Matt stirred beside me & rubbed my hand, asking what was wrong.. I couldn't be consoled, so he got up & quickly came to the other side of my bed, rubbing my hair & my arm until Nurse Jincy arrived.. She quickly administered Delaudid through my IV & checked my catheter bag at the foot of my bed.. Whoever had emptied it last had left it on top of my bed instead of below the bed, so it wasn't draining & had backed up, filling my bladder impossibly full.. The whole reason a constant catheter is needed after this surgery is because 1) The parametria that was removed carries bladder nerves. The bladder will need time to learn how to work properly again, as well as adjust to being shuffled around during surgery & it's new permanent change in position in your body, & 2) All the supportive tissue around the bladder has all been cut out- the catheter is supposed to keep the bladder empty, so that it doesn't expand into the surrounding tissue that needs time to heal.. That is exactly what was happening in this moment- in addition to the direct surgical pain, my bladder had expanded not only into an impossibly large size with no ability to release, but it was pressing on all sides on my fresh surgical area. It was excruciating.. The IV Delaudid kicks in within 20 seconds, & the catheter bag once moved to below my bed caused everything to drain, which caused a measure of immediate relief.. Even after the pain had improved, my body continued to tremble for some time from waking up that way.. Matt settled back in his bed, & held my hand, & we both eventually settled back off to sleep..

...Sleep was sporatic.. Every few hours through the night, a tech came in to check vitals, empty the catheter bag & record the liquid amount to make sure my bladder is functioning.. As the sun rose & a pale blue light peeked through the window shades into the room, my heart swelled with appreciation at the sight of my sweet supportive husband holding my hand in my hospital bed.. I prayed on & off throughout- brief prayers as each prayerful thought came to me, as my mind wasn't clear enough for a long prayer.. Here we were.. How in the world did we get here.. But here we were.. Time to focus on recovery.. I was so grateful to be where we were at this moment in time..

Monday July 25... The Big Day....

...I know.. It has been over a month since I wrote anything.. Would you believe that I've even been working on this post for 2 weeks?.. I am 5 weeks post-op now.. And 4 weeks post-a-2nd-hospital-stay.. What can I say, it has been a time.. I had visions of what my recovery would be.. Don't get me wrong, I expected it to really stink,.. just not stink this much for this long.. I'm not 'behind' per se in recovery time.. It's just a bit different than what I expected, & my visions of at least a little mental clarity in order to continue writing about this thing called cancer surgery during my recovery time.., well lets just say that my mental clarity is still not what I'd like it to be even this much time later,.. not for reading or writing or anyway.. But my actual memories of my experiences are as clear as day.., as if it all happened yesterday...

...The surgery morning.. (insert foreboding music here- "dunh, dunh, DUNNNH").. It wasn't hard to get up that morning, I got up even before I had planned, I was already so wide awake.. We finished packing our little overnight bag that the hospital had suggested.. I obediently showered again with the Hibiclens.. We had decided to be on the road by 7:00am.. Although it should only take us 2 hours to get there & I didn't have to be there until 10:00, you just never know.. I mean, it IS Baltimore.. At 6:00, I suddenly receive a phone call.. Any answered cell phone call inside our home will quickly drop signal upon answering it, so I raced outside to answer, but had just missed it.. It was clearly a Baltimore area code.. I immediately called back, my heart racing (please don't be cancelled, please don't be cancelled, please don't be cancelled).. It was a fellow doctor on Dr. Tanner's team.. The earlier 7:30am surgery had cancelled (what?? how in the world?? poor girl, the only possible thing could be personal illness, family illness/emergency, or nerves.. I felt sorry for her.. I couldn't imagine.......... Wait, pull it together Elizabeth & focus!).. They wanted to know if I could come in any sooner.. Not required, but just an option for my surgery to be finished earlier.. My heart skipped a beat.. I explained the length of time it took to get there & our plan to leave in just an hour, which would likely put us there early anyway, but that we would definitely try to get on the road as soon as possible- of COURSE we'd like this done sooner.. Shoot, I would've left right at that very moment if it was possible, but there were still things to finish at home in preparation for our days away.. We were on the road by about 6:40.. I was glad we had planned on already giving an extra hour with our first plan.. Because now, if traffic went well, we'd be there about an hour and a half early.. And knowing they could now actually take me that early,.. well,.. in my mind we just couldn't get there fast enough..

...As we got on the road, text messages started flowing in from friends & family acknowledging the day, cheering us on, well-wishes, scriptures.. I responded to each one.. And, although, I knew that Antonio was still sleeping from fun at his friends' house the night before (as any 15 year old would be at that time of the morning), I texted him to give him an update (he was adamant about constant updates), & to tell him I love him & I wanted him to try to relax & have fun & that I would see him soon..

...Throughout every single moment of that morning, I was silently praying.. About every single possible thing I could think of.. Every tiny detail that I needed for my mental sanity to go just right.. And thanking Him that this day had arrived & was even possible..

...Before I knew it, my nerves & my finicky bladder got the better of me.. & yes I had to pee.. very suddenly.. & very badly.. at a place where there were no reasonable exits to get off on.. Of course! Where else!.. And I knew I couldn't wait.. I told Matt just to pull over on the side of the interstate, & yes I would just go on the side of the road between the front & back car doors (thank goodness for 4 door cars).. (I grew up most of my life in the country, I could care less about peeing outside).. Surprisingly, he let me.. He told me he wouldn't look.. I said, "I know", & proceeded.. with 3 lanes of I-70 traffic unknowingly whizzing by (no pun intended) as I did my business right under their noses.. (also, thank goodness for being a mom & therefore always carrying extra napkins in the glove compartment, & hand sanitizer).. After I was done & we were back on the road, I said to Matt, "I can't believe you let me do that."(He's very protective of me and my privacy & dignity).. He replied, "I can't believe you were WILLING to do that. I'm impressed".. I smiled,.. & then we both chuckled a little,.. So, why am I confessing this on a public forum?.. Because this is that thing called life.. Life is a big stressful embarrassing messy experience.. No one is immune.. And that "interstate peeing" moment will be part of what Matt & I look back on & laugh about my surgery day.. And who doesn't need a good laugh to get you through something like life,.. real life...

...Before I knew it, we were in the depths of the city.. Our GPS was confused, & I'm pulling out the more specific in-town directions that the hospital had told me, along with the map on my phone from an email from them, & Matt's stressing out, & it was like I was watching myself in a comedy sitcom scene that's funny to watch but not so funny to experience.. We knew it was close to where we had gone before- the Johns Hopkins University complex is all clumped together... but it also spans a very large area of many blocks.. But of course, before we knew it, we were suddenly there, driving underneath the Weinberg Cancer Building to it's underground parking garage.. Suddenly everything felt in slow motion.. It took forever to find a parking space, it took forever to decide on what we were taking in with us & to make sure we truly had everything we needed, it took forever to find the elevator, it took forever to walk to the elevator, it took forever for the elevator to go up to the main floor,..

...I was having cramping all morning, well actually for the whole 3 weeks prior, but especially bad that morning.. I hadn't had my period in 3 months- not unusual, the story of my life.. (but it sure makes Xray, Ct scan, & Pet scan staff freak out hehehe).. I had to pee again, (of COURSE!) so our first stop was finding a bathroom anyway,.. and yep!.. you guessed it!.. Of COURSE that's when my first period in a whole quarter of a year would start.. Yay for me.. Especially when my periods feel like I am in early active labor.. Yep, what a great morning this would be.. But I also chuckled a little to myself.. This was the last period I would ever have in this world's system.. In fact, I would be waking up in a few hours & it would be gone.. In that moment, I no longer hated it..... I also cringed.. I knew doctors operating on people have been through it all & seen it all.. But still.. I was embarrassed.. I felt like I would be 'that' person in their surgical day... *Sigh*....

...We made it up to the 3rd floor to check in.. They called my name pretty quickly after, to come into a little room with just enough room for 2 desks & a printer, to sign all of the paperwork & receive all the little booklets & information for my "family that would be waiting"-- Matt wasn't permitted in that room-- only the patient, for other patients' privacy.. The woman who was doing my paperwork & questions was older.. She never once looked me in the eye, she never once changed the tone of her monotone voice, everything was purely mechanical & detached for her.. I wondered if they'd purposely hired someone that was more like an android, & if not, if they knew she had become one.. And if she hadn't always been this way in her job, I wondered what made her become this emotionless, feelingless, detached, mechanical shell that was 2 feet, & yet 2000 miles away from each real emotional, feeling, attached, sick human being that would sit in this chair today...

...As Matt & I waited, little booklets in hand with Privacy Act information & instructions for Matt, including the name of the nurse (Raven) that was assigned to him to come update him every hour, we held hands & talked about how we couldn't believe the day was here.. I looked around.. The waiting room for this surgical floor was separated into a large amount of individual alcove 'waiting rooms'- each one had 3 full glass walls with only 1 open doorway in, with it's own seats & couches, coffee table & side tables, & TV.. Waiting families could 'claim' an alcove & have some privacy while waiting through their family member's surgery.. In addition, there were seats situated throughout a main area/hallway, which is where we sat now waiting for me to be called to go back to pre-op.. In that same main area was one large screen- every patient was designated a "patient number", which was given to their waiting family to check on the status of their surgery as it updated on that large screen beside their number- pre-op, surgery started, surgery ended, recovery, etc.. I felt a sense of calm, yet my heart pounded at an impossibly fast rate.. I was silently praying almost constantly,.. I don't remember exactly what I said, I don't even know if I knew at that very moment what I was saying, but I needed a constant connection with my God, & I knew he knew what I was trying to say, even if I didn't...

...I was glad Matt wasn't going to be waiting alone.. 3 family members were on the way to wait with him.. The worst part is the wait during a loved-one's surgery- I'd experienced that almost 6 years prior, for Matt's surgery after his accident, & family waiting with me was a needed comfort & support.. Even though he didn't feel like he needed that, I knew that he did..

...Matt & I didn't have much time to talk or process anything before my name was called.. I didn't expect it to be so quick.. The staff member explained to Matt that I would be ready for him to come back & see me in about 45 minutes, right before they took me back for surgery.. 45 minutes?? What in the world about the pre-op prepping will take that long??.. I was about to find out...

...The girl in the scrubs leading me back to the pre-op area spoke so timidly, I couldn't really understand what she was saying.. Yet my nervous auto-pilot was on & I automatically just said, "Ok, thank you," to just about everything that she said.. Although I'm not even sure if I myself was audible either.. Doors opened & I was suddenly in a hallway with countless medical staff walking quickly everywhere they went, with the long white curtains to each pre-op 'room' billowing in their wake.. I felt like I need to prepare to dodge out of their way, but they were clearly used to working around that many people & shifted quickly into varying positions as they moved around each other, & me.. Yet, I realized quickly that this was not chaos.. And they were not frazzled.. They were energized!.. Every single one of them seemed to an exude an excitement,.. an excitement so intense, I could feel it as each one of them passed me, some of them smiling as they did so.. The 'scrub girl' showed me a curtained 'room' with things laid out on a bed, said my nurse would be with me shortly & promptly disappeared.. I looked at the things on the bed- a surgical bonnet, hospital gown, hospital grippy-socks, 2 clothing bags for my shoes & clothes- & I thought, 'Wow, someone got all of this laid out literally just for me.'.. I sat on the bed & waited for my nurse, feeling like I was watching a hospital reality show buzzing with surgical conversations, rushing, joking, laughter, discussions about patients & schedules, realizing that there were basically probably twice as much staff in here as in other hospitals because, as a major university hospital, there was not only regular staff, but also medical students.. Suddenly, I could spot which was which from their age & conversation, who was teaching & who was being taught, & watched with deepening interest...

...Suddenly my nurse appeared in a flourish.. a middle-aged woman with a heavy Hispanic accent..Her name was Elizabeth too, we giggled at that.. She closed off my 'curtain room' with a few quick motions & suddenly everything was happening very quickly, & I was struggling to understand & process how quickly she was talking & giving instructions.. Sure enough, my period was no big deal. She quickly gave me their 'surgically acceptable' things for it & moved right along without missing a beat.. I quickly got undressed & changed into my hospital gown, bonnet, & grippy-socks with the few moments she gave me alone before she was back in another flourish.. She rattled off endless questions as she typed on a computer & gave me papers.. My white curtains on all sides were in a constant billowing state as other staff rushed by.. Every now & then someone would peek in, see that I was with my nurse, & say to someone, "She's not ready yet."...

...After my nurse was finished with most of the questions, one by one, doctors & nurses constantly filtered in & introduced themselves as part of my 'team'.. One of them was kind enough to tell me that I would be meeting alot of people that day, many doctors & medical students that were assigned to me.. I couldn't believe they were all part of 'my team'.. They were all there for ME?.. They were all SO incredibly kind & genuine, I wish I could remember all of their names.. They each explained their role in the surgery & each assured me that they would take really good care of me.. As each one was in with me, I'd see another one peek through the curtains, patiently waiting their turn.. In between each of them, my nurse would come back with a flourish of a few more questions & a few more computer key strokes, at some point giving me 2 pills to take with the smallest sip of water that would help me 'need less narcotics after the surgery' (I still don't know what those were) & then would disappear as the next doctor came in & introduced themselves.. A busy yet fine-tuned graceful ballet where everyone knew the timing of their roles like clock-work.. I was fascinated, & overwhelmed.. Every now & then, I would get a few brief moments & I would pray silently,.. even if only for a few seconds,.. even if it was when they were speaking,.. even if it was when I was speaking in return, answering their questions... I prayed for each of their names & roles before I would forget,.. I prayed for all of the things that I was afraid of with the surgery as they popped into my mind, & I prayed not to think of those things anymore..

...Nurse Elizabeth came to take my blood pressure- it was the highest I'd ever seen it, so high I wondered if there was something wrong with the equipment.. Even she was taken aback a little.. A man who apparently was listening on the other side of the curtain, poked his head in, smiled & said, "That's ok, anesthesia takes care of that", before his head disappeared again.. We chuckled.. Nurse Elizabeth decided to take it again, I breathed slow deep breaths & tried to think of peaceful things, & sure enough it was better.. She said, "Ok good, that's the number we'll put in, I didn't want to put that other number in,".. As soon as she left again, the head reappeared, this time with a body attached.. He introduced himself as my anesthesiologist, Dr. Frank.. At the same time, someone else came in to start my IV.. They both were suddenly talking to me & I was struggling with who I should be trying to listen to.. The IV guy was a friendly chatterbox full of jokes & comedy, while Dr. Frank tried to kindly but firmly hold my attention by trying to identify common interests before he gradually tied everything back into the medical questions & instructions he had for me.. I realized quickly that they were both trying to do the same thing- be personable & make me feel comfortable with them as they proceeded with their jobs.. And I was grateful for these kind people who really cared, not only about their job, but about each patient as a real person.. The IV guy soon let Dr. Frank take over..

...Dr. Frank told me that he had been chosen specifically for me, because of his specialty in bloodless surgery.. He has been to all 3 parts of the US Bethel branches, & is the Johns Hopkins representative that goes annually to the headquarters to discuss the latest bloodless techniques & the hospital's most challenging cases.. I felt special that he was chosen specifically for me.. He went through a list of his own medical questions.. Who knew how many seemingly-unrelated things could affect anesthesia.. He particularly zoned in on my hiatal hernia, pre-ulcer stomach conditions, & daily acid reflux.. We then discussed in detail my bloodless alternative preferences.. I finally asked him what had been keeping me lying awake at night for weeks.. "No chance of me waking up during the surgery?".. It might sound ridiculous, but years & years ago I watched a documentary show about how this happens, with real interviews.. Pair that with my inherited resistance to anesthesia & pain medication that goes through one entire side of my family, including my own personal experiences with waking up struggling against my endoscopy years ago, & finding out after that, along with my colonoscopy & wisdom teeth surgery, that each time they had to give me more sedation than average (specifically 3 times more than average, & 1 1/2 times more than even a very large man, per my GI doc), & I think I have very good reason for finding it hard to talk myself out of worrying about this possibility.. I thought I would be laughed at.. But Dr. Frank asked very specific questions about my experiences before & seemed to take my concerns seriously.. At least, if he was amused, he was good at hiding it.. In fact, he acknowledged that this does happen & that the experiences related reveal 'that it's not very pleasant'..... Um, I could have done without that much acknowledgment.. In fact, at that point I'd almost rather he had laughed it off as ridiculous instead of validating that it legitimately happens & has personally heard experiences, yikes.. I tried hard to reroute my mind.. But I did feel better that we had at least discussed it & he was aware of my sedation/medication resistance history.. And you bet that I specifically prayed for Dr. Frank in keeping me fully asleep.. And I prayed not to worry about it anymore..

...Dr. Frank told me he would be back, & as soon as he left, 2 young men came in that introduced themselves as anesthesiologists that would be working with Dr. Frank.. One of them was named Matt,.. that's one way to help me remember a name!.. I wish I could remember the other one's name.. They absolutely stick out in my mind as the kindest & most perfectly personable of all the medical staff I met that day. And as everyone was so truly amazingly nice, that should say a whole lot that these 2 stood out.. They explained to me that all 3 of them were there specifically for the anesthesiology & to watch me & make sure that I would indeed NOT wake up & that everything would go smoothly with my health throughout the surgery.. They explained to me in detail what I could expect as I was taken to the operating room- there would be a flurry of people around me doing different things & I didn't need to be alarmed because all of those people were there just for me to make sure I was taken care of, they would give me a dose of something in my IV to help calm & sedate me before ever starting the anesthesia, & they would be right there watching me making sure personally that everything would be ok.. They did more than tell me their role & that they would take care of me.. They explained in detail what I would see & hear.. For anyone that knows my mind, I have the hardest time when I don't know what to expect, when I don't have a plan, when I don't know the details.. How they approached me meant e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g...

...While they were still in there, Matt was brought to me.. I introduced them, & they gave him a chance to ask questions & for a moment we all talked & light-heartedly laughed about the 'good drugs' they would give me to make me feel good.. When they left, Matt & I had a very brief moment to be alone.. I told him that I wished it could be fast-forwarded for him the way it would be for me once I was under anesthesia..

...Suddenly, Dr Frank was back.. He met Matt & wanted to make sure that I had signed all the bloodless requirement forms, & gave me one more to sign.. Then another doctor arrived with the results of my Pet scan from the week before.. There was an additional mass that they found on one of my ovaries, likely benign, but large enough that it would be a problem from size alone & needed to come out.. So I also needed to sign off on that.. Then Brother P arrived just briefly enough to say hi.. He & Dr Frank knew each other well, they'd worked together for a long time & Dr Frank said they'd gone to the Kingdom Hall together, specifying he had been 5 times but that he wasn't studying the Bible 'or converted yet', & we all talked briefly about Bethel.. Suddenly the curtains were opened by more people & Dr. Frank said, "I think it's time to kiss & say goodbye".. Everyone laughed as he comically said, "Not us. You & hubby! Not us!".. I chuckled, but I was shaken.. Matt had only been there for a few minutes, & everything had happened so fast, I had thought we'd have more time to talk, to reassure, to pray.. We kissed, he rubbed my head & arm, & we said we loved each other & that we would see each other soon as they wheeled me away.. It was Dr. Frank & the other 2 young kindest-anesthesiologists-ever.. They talked to me & kindly reminded me not to be alarmed when all the people started rushing around me in the operating room & that they would be right there.. As each set of hallway doors opened to us, it was more & more surreal.. As we approached the operating room, it was decided I would walk from the doorway in.. Dr. Frank said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure the back of your gown is closed".. He held the back of my gown &, as I walked in, everything became as if in slow motion as I scanned the room.. I wanted to see everything.. I saw the robot, I saw machinery, everything was bright, white & blue, I saw the medical staff rushing around in slow motion in their scrubs, hats, & masks.. I got on the operating table as instructed & moved around as they asked me to so that I was centered.. Some reassured me & others worked quickly around me getting things ready.. I was grateful for the clear picture that the young kindest-anesthesiologists-ever had given me, & although my heart beat fast, I felt prepared & was glad that the wait was over.. I suddenly felt that they had given me something through my IV, although I didn't see them do it.. I heard one of them say from behind me, "How are you feeling, Elizabeth?".. I answered, "Ok".. I felt simply as if I'd had maybe 2 shots of liquor.. It reminded me of my endoscopy when they gave me the first dose that should have put me all the way out & they couldn't believe that I was still awake.. My last thoughts were partly praying & partly chuckling to myself that this first dose this time too was probably supposed to put me out & they were probably thinking to themselves "Wow, she wasn't kidding when she says she's resistant & when she said what the GI doc told her", & that they were probably just about to give me another dose............

...Suddenly, I was aware of my bed moving & someone yelling at me, "Elizabeth wake up, you made it to recovery!!"...

Surgery minus 1 day.. Countdowns, calculations, separations & preparations..

...The last few days have been gettin' pretty real.. Every single thing, about even routine things, has been prepared with the next several weeks that I'm expected to be laid up in mind.. Everything is being separated by means of one question- 'what can wait & what can't wait?'.. Grocery shopping with the thought in mind that I won't be cooking, typical laundry days changed to make sure everything needed is done (thank goodness Antonio does his own laundry anyway, & Matt helps with his), washing the shower curtain (don't ask me why in my mind that couldn't wait,.. but it couldn't), cleaning the bathroom (thank goodness Antonio does the majority of the other house cleaning for his weekly chores!), extra garden weeding/pest control/harvesting, straightening the house & our bedroom, organizing (don't ask me why in my mind that couldn't wait either,.. but it couldn't), paying bills in advance, advance car taxes, advance car renewal registrations, coordinating & arranging for my Bible students' studies to be taken care of, & the list goes on.. I feel like I'm 'nesting' like a pregnant woman does shortly before a baby is born.. Maybe it's not 'nesting' at all.. Maybe it's 'advance planning' that any woman does when she just knows that there are simply things that she might not be able to do for the next few weeks..

...Thursday I received a phone call to confirm my surgery time for Monday.. 12:00pm.. Check in at 10:00 am.. It had been moved.. The original time was for 7:30am, with a check in for 5:30am.. Although I did prefer the earlier time, it also meant we had to be on the road no later than 3:30am.. At least now with the later time, we can try to get a little more sleep.. Although coming through rush hour is a concern.. We're aiming to be on the road by 7:00am.. Estimated surgery length of time should be 4 hours.. We texted family the update.. And I texted Brother P.. He will be there in advance of the surgery start time.. What a comfort that will be..

...Thursday night at the congregation meeting, sisters started scheduling themselves to bring us dinner on different days when we return home.. So so kind.. One sister even arranged for her day to bring dinner to be today, the night BEFORE the surgery, figuring we would be busy preparing-- how thoughtful!.. Truly our brothers & sisters in every sense of the word

...Friday I received a phone call from the hospital for a pre-op phone registration.. Friday also started my first prep instruction-- the last day I can do any shaving.. I suppose from the possible nicks, bacteria, etc? I don't really know.. But when you can check something, no matter how small, off a surgery prep list, things are gettin' pretty real.. It's also been confirmed that Matt can stay overnight with me in my recovery room-- what a relief for us both.. Prayers answered..

...Saturday felt oddly like a somewhat normal day despite being 2 days before being gutted on the surgery table.. (Forgive my fond description).. In the morning we all went out for the volunteer ministry work for our assigned literature cart shift, & studied for the Sunday congregation meeting.. The rest of the day was full of laidback household duties.. The difference was, again, that they were done in the mindset of 'what needs to be done before the surgery'.. Matt has been having his own similar preparations-- installing a handrail on the front steps for me, vehicle maintenance, fixing some things in the bedroom so that it is a more 'restful' place for me, etc..

...Antonio will be staying with friends for 2 days.. With the hospital 2 hours away, & only 1 person being permitted to stay overnight with me, it just wasn't feasible for Matt to drive him 2 hours home after the surgery & then drive 2 hours back, & so on.. Not to mention, then Antonio would be home alone overnight with his worries likely eating him up.. Matt will text him updates as he gets them, & we'll be able to talk on the phone or Skype hopefully later on in the evening.. Although I know he'll have a good time with his friends & I hope it will help the time pass quicker for him, I feel terrible knowing that he'd rather be at the hospital with us.. We have such a close mother-son bond.. We have been through SO very much just him & I over the years.. I know this is killing him,.. & that kills me..

...Today was what I know is my last congregation meeting for a while.. My brain was overwhelmed.. Since we are leaving early in the morning, that also meant that Antonio was just going straight home with the family he will be staying with.. I tried to be light-hearted in hugging him before we left, telling him, "The next time you see me, I'll be all fixed up!", but when he squeezed me so especially tight, my heartstrings tugged so hard.. He always puts on a brave face, but I know his tender heart.. I pray so much that he is given peace of mind.. I know he'll worry, & that is normal, & we had talked about some of that stuff in advance over these last few weeks, but I pray it isn't overwhelming for him & that he is able to have fun & that the time moves quickly for him..

...Matt was so kind to humor me & my intense need to take care of more things this afternoon.. He tried to tell me only once that he didn't want me to do anything, he wanted me to rest.. But he let it go after that.. I think he could see that in my mind it wasn't an option, that these were things I HAD to do,.. whether they were true necessities or not, in my mind they were-- the big bag of green beans Antonio harvested for me a few days ago HAVE to be washed, cut, & frozen.. The bathroom sink, toilet, & mirror HAVE to be cleaned.. The dining room table HAS to be straightened & the placemats washed.. The bedsheets HAVE to be changed (well, that truly is a requirement per my prep instruction list, since I have to do a Hibiclens bodywash tonight).. There is laundry that has accumulated some more that HAS to be done.. There are a few things I forgot when I went grocery shopping earlier in the week that we HAVE to have.. There are more garden items that HAVE to be harvested.. So he didn't fight me on it, he simply jumped right in & asked what he could do.. How I love him.. He went to the store, handled the green beans, some laundry, & helped me with the garden harvesting.. We listened to Kingdom songs as we worked.. There really was no stress as we worked, even knowing it was all being done as 'pre-surgery-work'.. It was all quite pleasant & full of contentment.. And as we listened to the messages of each of those Bible-based songs, & sometimes hummed & sang along as we worked, I quietly thanked Jehovah in prayer over & over..

...My surgery prep work for today involves one Hibiclens shower tonight before bed.. And then I have to do it once more in the morning.. The purpose is to strip the skin of all bacteria, oils, everything, to reduce the risk of secondary infection after surgery.. I cannot use lotion or deodorant after.. Nothing but clear liquids after midnight, with no more than 20 oz total, & no more than 8 oz after 8 tomorrow morning..

...So... This is it... Here we go...

D-day plus 4 weeks & 6 days.. Surgery minus 4 days.. Life expectancy obsessions..

...My mind has a new obsession.. Life expectancies for different cancer types at the same stage as my own-- 1B.. I don't know what made me look up my own.. I just at some point suddenly realized that no one had told me, that I had no idea, that I had simply been told it was very good.. My mind needs details.. Whether they are good for it or not, it needs them..

Cervical Cancer, stage 1B-- 80% 5-year survival
Breast Cancer, stage 1B-- 99% 5-year survival
Lung Cancer, stage 1B-- 45%
Ovarian Cancer, stage 1B-- 92%
Stomach Cancer, stage 1B-- 57%
Melanoma, stage 1B-- 97%
Bladder Cancer, stage 1B-- 90%
Colon Cancer, stage 1-- 92%
Liver Cancer, stage 1 & 2-- 31%

..80%.. (although actually a little less specifically for the endocervical adenocarcinoma type that I have, but we'll go with the 80%).. Not bad.. I fully intend & expect to be part of that 80%.. The end..

Tuesday July 19.. Surgery minus 6 days.. Pet scans & Bible discussions..

...I walked into the hospital- one that is in the next city over that I have never been to before.. It was the closest location to us that offered Pet scan services.. They are only done there twice a week.. The gentleman at the Information Desk directed me where to check in for test & procedure appointments.. There were only 2 other people in the waiting room for it.. I always can't help but wonder what others are in medical rooms for.. & it was no different this day.. And I wondered if they wonder the same thing about me..

...After signing in & being given paperwork, I was sent to radiology.. It was confusing.. The small waiting room was full, with at least 15-20 people.. There were 3 women behind a counter at partitioned desks facing the waiting room, but I do not know what they were there for.. As I approached each one, they did not look up.. Finally, the one in the middle partition distractedly said, 'Can I help you'.. I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give these to you or..." I showed her my papers.. Glancing at the front of them without even bringing them to her, she said, 'Yeah ok have a seat', as if it was pointless for me to have approached.. I assumed at that point that there was no further check in needed from what I had already done (but I'm not a mind reader, lady. It's not like I do this all the time).. I obediently took a seat in one of the maybe 3 chairs left available.. For the 45 minutes I waited, I never did see the point of those 3 women being there.. They talked loudly amongst themselves, constantly wrote on paperwork, & perhaps 3 times spoke on the phone.. What an odd arrangement..

...I had prayed in advance to be alert to any opportunity to have a Bible discussion,.. & then to have the courage to grasp it.. It's something I'm working on being better at-- informal settings.. I've had to get used to the fact that the thought of initiating will forever make me sweat nervously & my heart race.. I had some Bible material ready in my purse.. I was going to have a lot of waiting time.. Plus looking & listening for an opportunity gave me something to concentrate on,.. although it was hard to concentrate, period, with the hustle & bustle of so much going on with that amount of people in such a tiny space- people coming & going, papers rustling, baby noises, a man slurping a barium drink to prep for his procedure, phone dial pad beeps & boops as people texted & IM'd, children's voices (something about video games), the TV talking (something about tv interviews & sewing projects), & seemingly a million conversations going on at the same time that my brain was subconsciously trying to process separately despite my consciously trying not to.. My easily over-stimulated mind operates against my will.. This is precisely why I leave public places completely exhausted..

...Different radiology tests were being called from different doorways.. I had no idea where my name would be called from.. I started reading the packet of papers that I was given at check-in to give to... someone (I still didn't know who yet).. for the scan, & became intrigued to see that they included detailed notes from the consultations w/ Dr Tanner, his med student & Brother P..

(The scribbles on the photo are my own, to block out private info) These were a few tidbits included in the notes taken down by the med student.. I was impressed that, even though they have all of the forms I filled out about it & a copy of my DPA, she still included in the notes my bloodless alternative choices & had understood the depth of what I was saying.. I always worry that I do not express myself clearly enough, but it is clear that I was completely & utterly understood.. And then to see the last 2 sentences in that top paragraph......... I was surprised to find that instead of being afraid or nervous upon reading it stated so directly, I felt a wave of peace, & my heart welled with appreciation.. Appreciation at this opportunity I've been given to show my God where I stand on such a vital issue, that I stand on HIS side, that His commands regarding blood at scriptures such as Genesis 9:4 & Acts 15:20 mean that much to me... And I thought of Proverbs 27:11.. I pray that through all of this I always make Jehovah 'rejoice' & make him proud & add to His reasons 'to reply' to the one who 'taunts' Him..

..I suddenly remembered that I'd received a few texts & messages over the last few days that I'd forgotten to respond to (what is wrong with my disorganized-more-than-ever brain), so I brought out my phone to respond (with the sounds OFF-- sorry, that should be commonly-understood waiting room etiquette, but that's another story).. Then I figured it would be a good time to do some Bible reading on my phone.. Gotta love that app..

...The waiting room had slowly dwindled down to just 3 people.. Could this be an opportunity to speak to someone?.. None of them were sitting near me in order to converse quietly.. One was reading a newspaper, sneaking Skittles from a bag she had hidden.. (There is a huge sign before you walk in that food was prohibited to be respectful of those that were under required fasting for their testing... How rude.. One side of my brain was h'angry.. But the other brain side tried to defend her-- maybe she was diabetic or hypoglycemic & medically needed the sugar...) The other 2 waiting started a conversation.. One was waiting for the person she came with to come back from a shoulder injection w/ xray.. The other was waiting for his wife to come back from a Pet scan.. I listened quietly.. He had just had a Pet scan last week himself.. He was a lung cancer survivor for 4 years when it was discovered it had come back.. Now his wife was in for one- something had been found & she was in for the first time.. like me.. The lady he was talking to was a 10-year cancer survivor.. My heart beat quicker as I looked for a way to join the conversation without seeming rude.. Then, my name was called..

...The technician told me her name.. I don't remember it.. But she was nice.. We walked down & around the hallways, finally going out a security door.. Ah, the mobile unit.. As we approached, I stepped onto a hydraulic lift.. It lifted me up several feet & stopped.. Half of the mobile unit side wall then slowly motored up, like a fancy high-tech garage door.. I saw an office straight inside with computers, image monitors & cabinets.. We stepped off the lift inside.. To the left was the Pet scan room.. To the right was a little room with 2 medical recliners separated by a partition..  In one recliner was an older gentleman.. I smiled at him.. He looked sleepy.. The technician led me to the other chair on the other side of the partition.. She ran an IV, flushed it, gave me the injection, & flushed it again.. Now we just had to wait 45 minutes for the solution to get through my system.. (I wasn't really sure how it worked until I researched it later.. Pet scans show cell activity. The cancer cells eat up the solution at a higher rate than any other cells, which causes a contrast on the screen-- scientifically fascinating!)..  She leaned my recliner back & offered me a blanket.. Might be odd, but I felt a bit pampered..

Oh yeah, & I can't be around any small children or pregnant women for the next 10 hours-- I will be slightly radioactive.. *insert X-files music here*...

...I looked around quietly, memorizing every detail of the room.. I looked in my purse, & put my hand on a "Will Suffering Ever End?" tract.. Still hoping & praying for an opportunity to speak to someone today, I was determined not to let the right opportunity pass by.. And what a perfect subject & comforting scriptures inside-- wouldn't someone going through, or being tested for, cancer be thinking about such a subject?.. And we had 45 minutes to burn, so..... But all I could see was my room buddy's feet.. He was laying there so quietly.. And he had looked so sleepy when we came in, as if we may have woken him.. It would be kind of weird to break the silence, especially if he really was napping.. What would I say? "Ahem, excuse me sir, are you awake?"... Yeah, that would be weird..

 

...I was still contemplating when the technician came in & let him know it was time for him to go in.. So, away they went.. About 10 minutes later, another technician brought in a middle-aged woman, who was happily chattering away.. I listened to their animated conversation, amused.. After getting my new room buddy all situated, on the way out the technician asked her if she needed anything.. The woman said, "Yeah, can I have a cheese steak?".. I & the technician both laughed.. I said, "Hey I'm starving too, can I have some of that?".. We all laughed.. Both I & my room buddy were indeed starving-- it was after 2:00 at this point & neither of us had eaten since around 7:00am..

...After the technician left, the room grew silent again.. My new room buddy was so petite that I couldn't even see her feet past the partition.. I felt like I had failed when I didn't find the right opportunity to speak to my former room buddy, so I prayed again & explained to Jehovah why it was so awkward  to initiate a discussion with a partition separating us & asked Him if it was His will that I have a Bible discussion with this woman today, could He please maybe have her peek around the partition,.. or at least start talking first........ Suddenly, I hear her say, "All of the people here are sooo nice, I just love it here."...

...We went on to have quite a nice conversation.. We couldn't see each other, but we could hear each other.. She asked about my type of cancer, & told me about hers,.. & then explained each of the people in her life that were going through some type of it themselves.. And on top of that, her husband just died a month ago.. This was her second Pet scan.. Her first had revealed lung cancer.. She'd been through several months of chemo & radiation.. The scan she was in for today was to check if the treatment was working.. She said she believed in the Lord.. I told her that I did too, & was it ok if I gave her something that I thought she might like.. I reached the Bible tract to the edge of the partition.. She said, "Oh, sure, thank you!" & I felt her take it.. I told her that I found those particular scriptures comforting, & hoped that she would too.. We went on to have a lovely discussion about prophecy & God's promises, & I was looking for a way to mention the website & Bible study arrangement when the technician came in to tell me it was time for me to go in for the scan.. I told the woman I enjoyed meeting her & I hoped she received good news today.. I got to briefly see her face as we walked by to leave the room.. She told me the same & added, "God's got you," pointed, & winked.. I didn't see her again after..

...The older gentleman was just walking out of the scan room as I was being led in.. I saw on the computer monitors that his scan was of his brain..

...The technician was thrilled that I came prepared in the manner I was dressed.. I had figured if it was anything like the CT or MRI that I've have before, then metal was probably a no-no. So, I wore a type of pants without a zipper or buckle, & my bra wasn't underwire. So, I didn't have to change into a gown.. She settled me in comfortably & covered me with a blanket & asked me to raise my arms over my head for the duration of the 25 minute scan.. The table moved back & forth in the tunnel at varying times & speeds.. I had to resist my natural tendency to want to move my head & look around at everything.. Halfway through, my shoulders began to ache terribly with my arms still plastered above my head.. By the end of the scan, when I was helped to sit up, I realized that the whole top of both of my arms had fallen asleep.. When I walked out of the scan room, I tried to glance at the computer monitors to see what my scan looked like, but of course I couldn't make sense of it..

...Relief.. The ordered pre-op Pet scan is done.. All the hoop-jumping, phone calls, & paperwork in order to get it,.. all the worrying about it being too late to receive a soon enough appointment before the surgery.. And then Jehovah helped me face my nerves & blessed my determination to share Bible encouragement with someone today.. It was a good day..

...3:30.. As soon as I got home, I stuffed my face.. I can't remember the last time I was that hungry.. The relief & the blood sugar crash collapsed me exhausted on the couch immediately after.. Although I didn't fall asleep, as it was almost time to start dinner & evening activities, the rest of the day is a blur..



Sleeplessness, randomness, emptiness...

...Another night of little sleep.. The pretty typical 3-4 choppy hours that have been the story of my life since childhood.. Was hoping for more, which every now & then does actually miraculously happen.. But at least it wasn't less, which happens frequently.. Even though every single night I pray to be able to fall asleep quickly & to have a good night's sleep, I figure if I really & truly couldn't bear the day without it, it would happen.. So, in my daily morning prayer, when praying for "power beyond what is normal" to kick my exhausted sleep-deprived butt in gear, I follow it with thanks that I at least got as much sleep as I did, because it could be, & has been, less.. & I know if He didn't grant me my request for more sleep that night, He'll help me survive the day without it & I'll be just fine.. He's helped me so much. It's more than ok that He not answer my every request, He's not my servant.... It irritates me to no end when a person has that level of expectation & is upset when their every whim isn't catered to by the heavenly forces that be.. But that's another subject...

...Even though I don't typically have an appetite in the morning, I had planned on getting up by 7:15 to eat, since 7:30 is the nothing-but-water cutoff before the Pet scan appointment check-in at 12:45 today, & I wouldn't be free from that to eat again until 3:00 at the earliest.. Then, after my forced 7:15 breakfast, I was going to actually let myself indulge in another few hours of sleep.. That's right, I was going to let myself *insert inspirational music here* SLEEP LATE.. Great plan.. Didn't happen.. At 7:15, I'd already been awake for a while.. I had a green smoothie & some almonds & tried to lay back down.. Sleep was still avoiding me, pretty much running away from me as far away as it could.. So here I am writing to you, Mr. Blog..

...My mind has a new obsession.. Matt reminded me last night that at that time next week, the surgery will be over & I'll be loopy from some good drugs & wearing-off anesthesia.. So then, now at THIS time next week, what will be happening?.. I will have spent the night in the hospital.. How will that go?.. Will Matt have been able to stay the night with me as he hoped to?.. We were told it would depend on what type of room they will have me recover in.. Something to pray for.. I know he'll end up choosing to stay in the hospital whether they let him stay in my room or not, & I don't want him to be in some uncomfortable chair in some waiting room somewhere.. The guy deserves more than that... And I want him there...

...Will I feel empty?.. Cervix, uterus, parametria, ligaments, upper vagina, fallopian tubes, lymph nodes to be removed.. Sentinel lymph node mapping & ovarian transposition to be performed.. That's a lot of my insides coming out & being maneuvered & moved around.. Will I feel empty after?.. Will the parts of me that remain be confused over the ones that are gone or moved?.. I still do not mind losing them-- there's nothing we can lose in this world that won't be given back in the future Paradise.. But.. will I feel a sort of physical emptiness inside until then?... Will my body comprehend what is missing?...

...My mind exhausts me..